Thursday, September 15, 2011

Tin Foil Hats. What are they good for?

What are tin foil hats good for?

I'll tell you what they're good for ...

... as a radio receiver

Tin foil is a metal.  Radio antennae are metal.  It's a perfect mix.  Simply use some of the copper wiring you've got down in the cellar that you 'found' next to the railway tracks, solder it to the tin foil hat and attach the other end to your car battery.  Wear the hat before batteryfying for the full effect.  Classic FM will never the same again.

... as a thought hider

We've all had them, thoughts that threaten to overload our minds.  One minute, you're walking down the vegetable aisle in Asda, the next, you're brandishing a cucumber like a green sex toy and viciously attacking someone who looks like your long-lost dad, shouting "Why couldn't you ever give me praise?  Why couldn't you ever love me like a son?".  Who HASN'T done that?  Pop on that tin-foil hat and suddenly all cerebral activity is suppressed.  You can then quite happily buy a cucumber and snigger at its phallic-ness, like you've always done, without descending into a Freudian nightmare of self-loathing, disgust and assault with a deadly vegetable.

... as a boat

Imagine all those toffs down at the sailing club, standing around wearing neatly-pressed striped polo shirts, drinking Pimms and laughing uproariously at the misfortune of the lower classes.  Now, imagine you turn up, pop a great big tin foil hat onto the water and with a cheery wave, push off from the marina into the great unknown.  It's fair to say, a little work may be required to make this one work.  It's not all bad news though as all you need is a boat-load (ho ho) of tin-foil, some oars (safety first, obviously), a V8 diesel engine, some deck-boards, a steering wheel and some champagne flutes for the drinks to be served from the cocktail 'deck' of your ocean-going tin-foil cruise ship.  Who's got the biggest yacht now?  Me, that's who.

Click here to see how to make this.

... as armour in war
It was only last week after I'd nipped out to the shops to buy some delicious microwaveable pies did I accidentally find myself in a war-zone.  Luckily, I was in the veg aisle and was wearing my 'Thought-Protector' tin-foil hat.  As the bullets started flying, I simply unwrapped the hat and wrapped the tin-foil around my body instead.  Voila!  Full-length body armour.  It gets hellish in Asda on Thursdays when it's OAP day.

... as an under-garment

Do you ever watch the London marathon?  That annual bastion of ridiculous costumes 'twixt a stupid amount of exercise?  I *always* watch it, laughing and guffawing at those idiots while they do all that unhealthy running and jogging and collapsing.  I tell you, I laugh so much, the chilli sauce from my extra-large kebab often spills onto the broken settee and my deep-fried chips fly everywhere.  The point is, have you ever noticed, at the end, when that bloke who's wearing a fluffy duck outfit staggers over the line and they wrap him in a big cloak of tin foil?  They do that because of all the gun-crime in London and it's to protect the 'atheletes' from further injury (see armour, above).  So this got me thinking and a thought slammed into my mind like the tracer slug from an M16 assault rifle: Bullet-Proof Underpants!  Yes!  I Rule!  I'm King of the World!  I'm going to take this one on Dragons Den.  Who wouldn't want to buy it?  It sells itself.  I must admit, the prototypes didn't work out very well as there was a certain amount of ... 'chafing' going on in the 'groinal' and 'crackage' areas and whatever you do, don't go through customs wearing some.  THAT took a lot of explaining, I can tell you, especially after I'd covered myself in Baby Oil in an effort to reduce said chafing.

... as a weapon

Technically, I should have put this one underneath armour above but I'm too lazy to press the up arrow key on my keyboard.  No longer will you have to suffer the ignominy of pension day riots at the supermarket without fighting back as the tin-foil hat can be fashioned into a rudimentary weapon.  Simply roll it up into a tube, grab some cumquats from the fruit display and blow really hard through one end.  Hey presto, an impromptu blow-pipe.  I tell you, I don't know how I think this stuff up.  I'm a genie's arse me.

... as a tanning aid

Yes, yes, I know it's been done before but I'd like to re-iterate this point.  If there's anything that marks us Brits out more while on the crowded beaches of Cala Bungo, it's our propensity for fair-skin.  This is not our fault with the UK being only a few miles away from the Antartic, it's always bleddy cold and thanks to the British Summer only lasting a couple of hours on the last wednesday in October, we always look like those gay vampires from Twilight.  So, when on your annual jaunt to the sun, unfurl your trusty tin foil hat, apply copious amounts of vegetable oil to your face, drink a load of lagers and fall asleep for a few hours on the beach.  When you wake up, your person will have an attractive 'glow' to it and you will be able to freely mingle with the locals without fear of being mugged or taken for a ride in a taxi.  Unless you're my next door neighbour who goes *only* for the 'rides' in the taxi, if you get my drift ...

... as a solar-sail

We hear all the time about the need for renewable energy and how the power of the Sun can be harnessed for all kinds of weird things.  Apparently, there's something called a 'Solar Sail'.  I did next to no research and can say quite categorically, this sounds brilliant!  Can you imagine being propelled to work purely by a solar wind then furling the 'sail' back into a hat-shaped object that you can wear?  No mess, no fuss, no enviromental impact.  It also means that you can only go to work on sunny days which, as we all know, amounts to the last wednesday in October.  In your face, work!  Ha ha.  Sorry?  What's that?  It can only be used in space?  Even better!  It never stops giving ...

... as a pretend shield in a game of Dungeons and Dragons

Nope, this is too weird even for me.  You can't have a *pretend* shield.  It has to have at least a +4 Flute of Meatyness magic potion cast upon it and if you can shake your +7 Empirical Wand of Dousing over it while attacking with an Enhanced Spray of Urinary Justice, it will make a formidible defense against all those fire-breathing dragons and magic pixie people who talk to me from the bushes.  I went and had a look once and it turns out the magic pixie people in the bushses look just like that elderly couple up the road.  Only naked.  And who kinda 'grind' against one another in a strange biological motion.  I nearly went blind but I held up my +4 Valiant Defence Tin-foil Hat Shield and I was alright.  Thankfully, I didn't need to use my +7 Empirical Wand of Dousing which was a good job really as it had inexplicably shrivelled up.  Must be the cold.

... as a disco ball

... and because you carry your tin-foil hat with you everywhere you go, that means you can have a disco everywhere you go too.  How good is that?  Imagine being on the early morning train, everyone's a bit depressed and it's raining.  Bring a little sunshine into their lives by wearing your shimmering silver hot-pants, pink feather boa and leapoard-skin leg-warmers, scrunch your tin-foil hat into a ball shape and hang from the train ceiling.  Instant Disco!  _"We are fami-lee, dancing neh neh something nen-nen nee"_.  Woo, come on everyone, let's dance.  Everyone will join in, happily dancing and singing and clapping along and the world will be a much better place, I'm sure.  Well, it happens *all the time* on Glee.


I'd thoroughly recommend a tin-foil hat.  They are practical, hard-wearing, provide shelter, can be a flotation device, will deflect bullets, are good for the environment but above all, wear one and you'll look just as cool as me.

Oh yes, don't blame me if any of the above things go spectacularly wrong and you end up on the news as the first human firework.  I'll be watching and laughing though, while eating a chip butty in one hand, half-smoked, rolled-up ciggy in the other, voluptuous hairy belly hanging over my silver hot-pants, dancing to 'It's Raining Men' by the Weather Girls.  As they say in Doncaster, I'm a rate catch, me.

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