Thursday, September 22, 2011

Things to do with a scarf

A scarf is one of those everyday, boring pieces of clothing that can't do anything.  You'd think.  But no, I'm here to tell you the scarf is one of the wonders of nature.  It's a tool, a comforting device, a safety mechanism and many many more things.  A scarf will keep you warm in Winter, make you look cool in Summer and has a whole multitude of uses in between.  Settle down, make yourself comfortable, get a cup of tea and read on to find out how the humble scarf can improve, enhance and transform your life in so many ways.

... as a cushion

On the early morning train, there's nothing nicer than relaxing your head and snoozing on your scarf.  Fold it into a neat parcel and you've got a perfect pillow.  Next thing you know, you arrive at your destination fresh as a daisy, ready to face the day with a smile on your face and a spring in your step.  The only downside to this is it can get *too* comfortable.  You don't want to fall asleep, dreaming of your partner nibbling your ear only to find yourself in Edinburgh, snuggling up to a big bearded bloke who got on at Durham.  Even worse, the big bearded bloke is the one nibbling your ear and *he's* wide awake.  Set an alarm an your phone or something.

A pretty cushion / scarf.  I think.
... as a scarf-a-chute

In particular, scarf-scending where you attach yourself to a powerful speed boat at the end of a ski-rope.  Holding on to the ends of the scarf, it will billow out behind you and the wind will lift you high into the sky.  The view from high up there is fantastic and all because of the humble scarf.  A note on safety: It helps to have a signal to the captain of the boat so he can see if you're OK.  So, after telling the driver to stop *only* on your commands, if you want to go faster, wave your arms around frantically.  As we don't want to look like an idiot in front of all the bronzed godesses tanning themselves on Scarbrough beach, to stop, we'll give the captain of the boat a very slight, sureptitious wink of the left eye.  Remember, safety at all costs but not at the expense of looking well cool.

Remember, safety first but not at the expense of looking cool
... as a catapult

We've all been there.  We've had an argument with someone and the next thing you know, we're laying siege to their medieval castle.  Using the scarf and a couple of twigs from a nearby tree, we can fashion a high-powered catapult with which to bombard said castle.  It will happily send large boulders, barrels of flaming oil and even midgets over those tall walls.  It helps to be in the Dark Ages for this one I admit, but still, it's nice to know we've got the choice eh?  And, if for some reason, you find yourself in a biblical re-enactment of David and Goliath, the scarf would be perfect as your slingshot.  I amaze myself sometimes.

I'm sure there's a scarf in there somewhere.
... as a fishing rod

Entwining some maggots into the frilly bits at the end of your scarf allows it to be used as a rudimentary fishing rod.  There's nothing better than eating your own freshly caught fish and with the scarf, we can ensure fish is on the dinner table every day of the week.  It helps to have quite a long scarf for this one too.  Those upstarts, the neckerchief, won't cut the mustard here unless you don't mind lying down on the bank of the river.  A plastic mac will help in those circumstances.

See look? A scarfrod.
... as a disguise

Sometimes, anonymininininity is the best thing for all concerned.  If you're interest in a career as a high-society cat-burglar, then a scarf has to be an essential part of your arsenal during those midnight sojourns to the local priceless jewellery store.  As you jimmy the locks and evade the death-dealing lasers at Elizabeth Duke's (at Argos), a scarf will protect your identity as you stuff your slimline black backpack with Faberge eggs, Rolex watches and semi-precious gold bracelets with diamonique inlays.  And when you're running away from the hired goons and vicious guard dogs, use the scarf to fire off a parting shot using the technique described above for catapults.  It just never stops giving.

Even monkey men people are getting in on the act.
... as a form of clothing

When you find yourself naked on the grass lawn outside the local Nunnery like I did last Sunday, there's nothing more embarrassing than having to ask for a hessian sack or some other kind of itchy materal to cover your modesty.  If you've remembered your scarf after that drinking session out on the town, simply wrap it round the important bits and don't forget, it will also keep you warm.  The Police don't have to get involved and you can walk around unnoticed, blending in quite naturally with all the other church-goers.  Those looks they're giving you?  They love your attire, that's what, they're *jealous* they didn't think of it first.

Perfect church-going attire.
... as a tow-rope

There's nothing worse or more tedious than having to cycle.  All that exercise can't be good for you so, by attaching one end of your scarf to the front of your push-bike and the other end to the tow-bar of a passing Ford Mondeo, you can be pulled along at speed without having to do anything.  It's free too and because you're on a push-bike, it's good for the enviroment.  You can even lean back in the saddle, steer using your feet and eat a pie while admiring the scenery.  I find it easier to steer with my feet if I wear flip flops and if safety is a concern, wrap another scarf around your head to act as an impromptu crash helmet.

... as a lassoo

Taking a cue from fishing with scarves, we can take the whole self-sustinence thing a stage further.  Tying a slip knot around one end, you can use the scarf as a decent alternative to a rope lassoo.  Head down to the local farm in the dead of night, use the scarf-assoo to catch yourself a cow and hey presto! - free food for a week.  When you see the satisfied looks on your family's faces as they tuck into yet another 64oz steak, don't forget to mention who gave you the idea.  I accept all forms of payment.

Super hero scarf lassoo

... as a climbing aid

How many times in movies have we seen people escape from tall buildings by knotting together bed sheets and traversing from an upstairs window?  It happens all the time and yet, if these people had had a simple scarf, they'd have been well sorted.  This one is so obvious it's not true.  Next time I go climbing in Snowdonia, I'm taking my scarf instead of ropes.  And because it's always cold there, my scarf will keep me warm.  I'm brilliant me. 

Rasputin climbing a wall.
... as an iScarf

Who needs iPods?  Remove the speakers from your expensive home hi-fi system and using a few simple pieces of thread, sew the speakers into the ends of your scarf.  Mount the hi-fi part  of the system into an easy-to-carry backpack and you've got your very own personal stereo iPod clone.  Obviously, unless you've got a very long extension lead, you'll have to stay in the vicinity of a plug but that's a small price to pay for the convenience and sheer listening pleasure you will receive from the Papa Scarf-a-tron.  I ought to patent that, I'd make an absolute mint.  You heard it here first people.

A pig, laughing at my ideas.  Damn you pig.  I'm going to eat you.

So there you have it, 10 practical and useful uses of the humble scarf.  I'm sure you'll agree, all of the uses here are something anyone can and should do   The scarf is not just for keeping warm or Christmas, it's also a fashion device, an extreme sport, a form of transportation, a castle-siege tool and many other things.  I'm sure you can think of a multitude of other uses too so don't forget to tell me and I'll exploit you mercilessly.  I mean, cut you in on a share of the profits, or something.

I'll finish with a little rhyme entitled: The Scarf

Oh humble scarf, my best friend,
Your wonders will, never end.
You're so much fun, my lovely scarf,
I wonder if, you will rhyme with laugh?

From angling for fish, to climbing hills,
Sky diving high, to paying the bills.
From lasooed cow, and all that beef,
to surfing at sea, avoiding the reef.

A musical gadget, the best you've had,
No Sony Walkman, or Apples iPad.
From saving the world, pushless bike,
Keeping you warm, in snow you hike.

It's fair to say, the scarf does it all,
From large and wide, to thin and small.
Where would I be, without my scarf,
I'd be much less whole, probably half.

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