A Sky+ Remote Will Change Your Life

What is it?

This is a remote control that will control any Sky+ box remotely, without any wires.  It's a marvel of the technological age, at the precipice of functionality, a beacon of light to anyone who sits on their sofa and can't be arsed to get up and change the channel themselves.  No longer do you have to sellotape several chopsticks together.  No longer do you have to order the children.  No longer do you have to train several small Pygmy Marmosets to do it for you.  Point this thing at the flat box in the corner and press a button.  Any button, it doesn't matter (well, it does) and you're home craft / animal / children training proclivities are over.

Ah, but it does more than change channels doesn't it?

Yes, it does.  It opens up a whole world of remote-controlololeredness.  Not only does it have numbered buttons it also has access to other Sky and Sky+ services.  Gaze in amazement as you can change the volume on your telly, any telly.  Gasp in wonder as previously-recorded TV programming is displayed back at you in all that multi-coloured glory.  Faint in sheer shock as live TV is paused.  Yes, you can stop time with this thing.  It's an actual living breathing time machine.  Well, it's a controllololer for a time-machine but that's as good as ...

What does it look like?
It's an attractive grey, similar to that of skeleton bone that has been left to decay for exactly three months and 2 days.  It's a peculiar shape, with a sloping front end and the sides curve inwards slightly like the figure of some non-descript female politician who wears unflattering clothes.  The battery compartment is covered by 53.2% of the rear-side of the control and is made out of a synthesized rubber material.  You can put your knees up and rest the remote on top and it won't slide back down.  A nice touch.  My 'nads have been saved plenty of time by the decent amount of non-slippage afforded by the ingenious back cover.

The cover to the infra-red light is black but the light can be seen through the smoked plastic from the top-down of the remote.  This is handy so you know when a button is being depressed on the front side of the remote control.  Of course, by depressing a button you have to make it happy and I suggest singing Captain Sensible's 'Happy Talk' or even playing it a DVD of 'See You Next Wednesday', that perennial, seminal surfing classic.

Buttons, lot and lots of buttons

There are 38 buttons on the remote control altogether but 3 of them are multi-function, extending the number of functions to ... erm ... 38 + (3 * 2) = 96!  No, that's not right.  Wait, I can do this ... erm ... 38, carry the 1, minus 17, add 102 equals 44 functions!  Got it!  At last.

The list of 38 buttons is thus:

1.  Power - Switches off or on the Sky+ box.  Please note, all the following function and buttons require the Sky+ to be switched ON.  You can tell this as there is a green light on the front of the Sky+ box.  A red light means it is turned OFF.  This is an important thing to remember and whatever you do, don't spend hours waiting for Sky+ technical support to ring you back simply for them to ask if you've turned it on.  You WILL be embarrassed.

2.  TV - Switches the Sky+ box to 'TV' mode. 

3.  Sky - Switches the Sky+ box to 'Sky' mode.  No-one knows the difference.  It's a mystery you have to find out for yourself.  WooOOoo.

4.  TV Guide - Brings up the TV guide.  This isn't a magazine that is attached to the front of the telly via selloptape.  No, it brings up a proper digitial re-enactment of a TV guide onto the screen.  You can move about the TV guide, select a programme to watch or even set one to record in the future.  Wow.  (see points 19 - 24 below).

5.  Box Office - A lady wearing a strange costume and chewing gum appears magically in your home.  She will charge you ten quid for a bag of popcorn and a small coke.  Upgrade to a large coke for only ten pence extra, it's worth it.  On some models, this button may bring up the Box Office movies section on the TV as presented by Sky.

6.  Service - Order massage, pizza and other things here.  It may allow you to change settings and things but those massage and pizzas always distract me first.

7.  Interactive - Interact with your remote control.  Take it out.  Talk to it.  Caress its smooth curves.  Feel the synthesized rubber-back and removable battery cover.  Ooh yeah, right there baby.  TURN ME ON YOU DEVIL-SPAWNED SEX MONKEY.

8.  Mute - Turns off the volume.  Doesn't work with kids, I've tried.  If the volume has previously been muted, it will un-mute.  Trying it again will un-un-mute.  Again and it will be un-un-un-muted.  Etc.

9.  i - Note the small 'i'.  Not a big 'i' (I), but a small 'i'.   I once knew a kid with a small eye.  He used to keep dead flies in his pencil case.  Strange boy.  The 'i' here will give information about the current program, or something.

10 and 11. - Vol + - Right, it starts getting complicated now.  This will change the volume of your telly.  However, see Appendix A below to see how to make *your* telly volume work with a Sky+ remote.  Pressing the '+' part of the button makes the telly get louder.  Try it now.  IT'S TOO LOUD.  TRY PRESSING THE '-' PART OF THE BUTTON TO MAKE IT quieter.  Thank you, that's better.

12,13,14,15 and 16.  Centre Cluster - This is the main central cluster of the remote control and consists of UP, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT and SELECT buttons.  These buttons act as cursor keys and allow you to move the cursor around on the TV screen.  Pressing UP moves it up.  Pressing DOWN moves it down.  Etc.  Confusingly, when you are watching a TV program, pressing UP will move the TV guide down.  Pressing DOWN will move the TV guide up.  And even more strangely, pressing LEFT will move the TV guide left and pressing RIGHT will move the TV guide to the right as you'd expect it to.  How weird is that?

17.  Text - This brings up text messages from your phone.  Ho ho, I kid, no it doesn't.  It brings up Sky Text, a crap service that's no use to anyone.  Remove this button from your remote with a sharp knife. 

18.  Back Up - This has happened to everyone hasn't it?  The wife's gone round to her friends for a girly night out and you're left alone with Sky+ for company.  You accidentally find yourself 'browsing' the adult section of the TV guide.  Before you know it, it's asking if you want to purchase 'Lonely Amateurs 4' - NO, BACK UP, BACK UP, I CAN HEAR THE DOOR BEING OPENED, CANCEL, CANCEL, ABORT, ABORT.  Use this button to do that, you perv.  It will also cancel any menu operation.

19.  Help - Sends out a distress signal by shining a light into the cloud-covered sky.  Within minutes, Rupert Murdoch himself will parachute down a zip line straight into your living room and fix whatever it is you want help on.  Apart from that, it's rubbish.  It offers no help whatsoever except for some garbled message in German.  Or maybe that's something to do with our Sky+ being switched to the German language and we don't know how to get it back.  Tip:  Never let a two-year old play with the remote control.  They're worse than Rhesus monkeys.

20, 21, 22, 23  << , >> , || and >.   These are the important, life-changing buttons.  They do what Jules Verne never could.  They pause live TV.  *Cue dramatic music*.  Operating just like one of those old steam-powered VHS recorders from the 1850's, you can now stop what's happening mid-stroke, check to make sure no-one is coming down the gravel path, then carry on with the action.  It's brilliant.  Pressing the forward-wind (>>) or backward-wind (<<) several times makes the action go faster with each press.  Soon, everything looks like one of those old funny Benny Hill programmes with barely-naked women chasing a lecherous bloke around a park while slapping a small bald bloke on the head.  The speeds vary from x2 to x6 to x12 to a whopping x30.  That's like, well fast man.

24.  R - Is akin to the old-fashioned Record buttons on the afore-mentioned VCR's.  This button will (R)ecord a program if you're watching it or if you're in the telly guide (see point 4 above), it will put the programme into the planner for recording later.  You can even watch another channel while it's recording and you don't have to speak in whispers either - it will safely record TV without picking up your voices.

25. [] - Will stop recording or playing the current TV programme.  Seriously, if you need to know what a [Stop] button does, you shouldn't be allowed out of the house.

26, 27, 28 and 29.  [Red] , [Yellow] , [Green] and [Blue].  - I like these buttons, they are my favourite.  They're very colourful and do different things.  They all press the same though and there's no discernible difference between pressage on the Red or pressage on the Blue, for example.  Of course, depending on what you want Sky+ to do, they do different things.  Green will set a reminder on an advert (occasionally).  Blue will not only scroll 24 hours into the future and allow you to jot down the upcoming lottery results, they will also scroll through your favourite TV channels.  Yellow is pretty poor and hardly does anything, the loser.  Red is the big bully of the four and often makes Yellow cry.  I don't like Red.

30 - 40.  [1] to [0] respectively.  These are number buttons.  Numbers were invented in the 1960's by Casio when they brought out calculators.  Prior to that, numbers were represented by balls on a piece of wire.  Romans used letters as numbers, the weirdos.  The numbers on this remote control allow you to tap in a channel number, a pin number for, ahem, adult-orientated entertainment or to move to a particular time frame of a pre-recorded television programme.  62 minutes into Lady Chatterly's Lover is a good one, for example.

41 and 42.  P+ and P-.  These will change the channels on your Sky+ digi-mi-box.  It only goes up or down (the plus and minus buttons you see?).

Have I miscounted somewhere?

Specifications

The unit takes two triple-A batteries (AAA).  They last ages but you must change them quickly when they go or the Sky+ melts like the Wicked Witch of the West does in Wizard of Oz as a bucket of water is 'accidentally' thrown over her (she meant to do it!).  Helpfully, Sky+ knows when the battery power is low.  Perhaps it sneaks out at night when you're in bed and attaches a battery meter so it knows?

It measures 185x52x25cm and weighs 150g unladen.  It doesn't feel too heavy in the hand, I'd say about the same as 150g of flour. 

Appendix A: Setting up the remote so it will change the volume on your TV

1.  Google this: 'Sky+ remote control TV codes big bongos' and find a website with a list of codes on it.  Try not to be distracted by everything else the Internet offers.

2.  Select a channel on the TV (doesn't matter which.  Don't choose 819 if you're expecting people round).

3.  Press the TV button away from the Sky+ so it doesn't register the button press.

4.  Now pointing at the TV, press and hold the Sky+ and Red buttons together AT THE SAME TIME.  The little red light will flash twice.

5.  Type in the four-digit code that matches your TV.  The red light will flash twice to signify it has worked.

6.  Try the volume control on the Sky+ remote.  Your TV will now be magically under the power of the remote which is in the power of your hand which is in the power of your brain.  YOU HAVE THE POWER.  Sheesh, some people.

7.  Send me copious amounts of money because I'm brilliant.  I also accept cheese sandwiches.

Sometimes there is more than one code and it's a case of trying them all.  It does work, honest.

Conclusion

I'm very happy with our replacement Sky+ remote control.  It works exactly like the original one did and after a bit of faffing around with the TV codes, I can now ditch the volume control for the telly too.  Button pressage is positive and everything works.  It feels sturdy enough and our original one lasted many years.  I expect this to do the same.

It's a remote, it controls Sky+, it won't change your life dramatically but it will set you back about £25.00.  Sorted.  Oh, it's pretty good too.

Album review: Our Little Secret by Lords of Acid

*** Warning *** Warning ***

This is a review of an X-rated album.  As such, adult themes are a feature of this review.  If you are easily offended, please do not continue reading and proceed to the nearest Daily Mail.

Who are they?

Lords of Acid are a Belgium dance music group with origins dating back to the late 80's rave music scene.  Also known as Digital Orgasm, their style can be classed as EBM (Electronic Beat Music) which is rather like a cross between Industrial Dance, Techno and Acid House.  Main vocals are provided by Jade 4 U aka Darling Nikkie aka Nikkie Van Lierop, a well-regarded music producer in her own right and one whom has contributed to several Hollywood films as well as a strong back catalogue of recording artistes.  Her voice is strong, tuneful, playful, has a wide range and is capable of producing an eclectic mix of tones.  Behind the decks, so to speak, is Praga Khan (real name: Maurice Engelen), a dance music pioneer from Belgium.  It sounds a contradiction to include the words, 'Belgium', 'Dance Music' and 'Pioneer' in one sentence but here, he does a good job of capturing that hardcore, rave music vibe.

What's the music like?

My Little Secret was released in 1997 and is Lords of Acid third album after '''Lust''' (1991) and '''Voodoo-U''' (1994).  'Secret', like their other albums, is an intruiging mix of post-punk techno, faintly ridiculous lyrics and an overtly-sexual, often perverse sense of humour. 

Kicking off with '''Lover''' (3'55), cue robotic breathless woman giving way to heavy 4-to-the-floor dance beats and hard, driving melodies.  _"Lover, I will come for you, Lover, anytime you want me to"_.  Ah, that's sweet of you.  It's quite reminiscent of The Prodigy around the time of the FOTL album, swirling techno synths layered over sampled guitars.  Showing off their wicked humour is '''Rubber Doll''' (3'11) which tells the tale of a rubber sex doll.  There is an over-riding arpeggiated Goa-trance melody and a basic drum-machine beat turned up to 11.  _"Her mouth is always open, ready to please, she's always quiet, she never complains"_. 

'''Fingerlickin' Good''' (3'45) is one of the stand-out tracks on the album. _"Abso-f*****g-lutely, mind-blowing super sexy, so delicious, it's fingerlickin' good"_.  Dark melodic synths, grungy guitars and bass propelled forward by a nasty drum beat all combine to create a very hooky, rememberable tune.  I doubt KFC will use it in an advertising campaign though.  The pace continues and never lets up with '''LSD=Truth''' (4'10).  Hymnal voices being hi-jacked by vicious drums, screeching vocals and 808 tones.  The lyrics are pure nonsense, as you'd expect for a song about LSD. 

'''Man's Best Friend''' (3'14), in this case, is not a dog but a prostitute and is as close to reflective as Lords of Acid gets.  _"No-one to cling to, nobody cares, nobody listens, no-one knows her feelings as she walks the streets at night"_.  Quite true.  '''Cybersex''' (4'00) is about the online presence we all have and how we can be who we want to be.  That 18 year old Britney Spears look-alike you think you're talking to?  That's Ron Dinkum, 45 year old male living with his mother and holder of the dubious title of 'Worlds Heaviest Porn Surfer'. 

'''Pussy''' (4'05).  _"I wanna see your pussy, show it to me"_, so shouts the chorus.  Intentionally funny, loaded with more double-entendre than a Frankie Howerd convention and sampled pussycat meowing sounds are paired up with a laid-back, beat-box melody.  What's not to like?  Probably the best track on the album and that line is about the only one I can repeat here.  The theme continues with '''Deep Sexy Space''' (2'30) which is pure 160bpm Eurotrash verging into Gabba / Junglist territory.  _"There's just no kick with a little dick"_.  Well I never, there's no need to be like that.  The whole Deep Sexy Space thing is tenuously linked by preferring men to aliens.  They've obviously never watched 'Earth Girls Are Easy'.

'''Doggie Tom''' (3'46).  _"Tom, Tom, Doggie Tom, You make me come, Tom."_.  There's a hidden message in this one somewhere and I can't quite put my finger in it, *on* it I mean.  Perhaps it's her beloved pooch?  God I hope not, although with Lords of Acid I wouldn't rule it out.  Actually, Doggie Tom, the man in question, is a perverted voyeur.  Of course he is, who isn't?  '''Me and Myself''' (4'14).  Or, an ode to onerism, you choose.  She loves herself a bit too much, figuratively and literally.  _"Just me, alone, with my gorgeous body, and f***ed-up brain"_.  Ooh love, go and see your Psychiamatrist already.  On second thoughts, after last time, probably not you weirdo. 

'''Spank My Booty''' (3'52) tells the tale of a masochist who gets off on being spanked and it describes her tumultuous relationship with an 85 year old boyfriend who beats her.  _"Bleeding badly, it was love at first strike, but just the other day, I hit him right back, the poor old b*st*rd had a heart attack."_.  How we laughed.  Of course, it's utterly reprehensible and if there's a song designed to shock, this is the one.  I just found it funny if I'm honest.  Yeah, yeah, we've seen the whole sado-maso thing before.  Move along please.

'''The Power is Mine''' (4'22) - _"Come on boy obey me, lick my boots to please, maybe I'll let loose your chains"_.  I think she needs to make her mind up.  Only a few seconds ago, you were telling us how you like to be submissive.  Now, you're making us beg to lick your boots?  Haven't you heard of Kiwi shoe-care products?  Plus, Big Fat Gypsy Wedding is on and I don't want to miss that.  I know we've got Sky+ but love, take off that spiky leather thong you're wearing and let's have a nice cup of Horlicks eh? 

'''You Belong To Me''' (9'40) - _"You can try and run away mother f**ker but I'll find you"_ kind of sets the tone for this darkly ominous tale of obsession, jealousy and all-consuming relationships.  _"Every single part of you, is mine, it belongs to me"_.  Steady on love, I only asked if you wanted to go for a coffee.  Call the Stalker Helpline and run, fast.  This track has a hidden song in it if you let it play long enough, at about the 5'40 mark.  It's all about horror films and very clever and rather chucklesome.  _"I wanna go, see a horror movie, Nightmare on Elm Street, how about it?"_.  Yeah alright then, I'm up for it.  Hang on, you're not going to do anything strange to me are you?  What's that spiky metal thing you're holding?  Ooh, saucy.

Track Listing
1. Lover (Cantata)
2. Rubber Doll (Opus)
3. Fingerlickin' Good
4. LSD=Truth (Solo)
5. Man's Best Friend
6. Cybersex (Scherzo)
7. Pussy (Round)
8. Deep Sexy Space
9. Doggie Tom (Overture)
10. (Concerto for) Me and Myself
11. Spank My Booty (Reprise)
12. The Power Is Mine (Coda)
13. You Belong to Me (Theme)
14. Horror Movie [hidden track]

The words in brackets were an ironical attempt by Lords of Acid to be high-brow.  It totally isn't.

Conclusion

It's not for everyone, that's a certainty.  But how times move on, and rapidly too.  What was considered cutting edge and 'sexy' in the mid 90's would probably now be shown on Blue Peter.  If Rihanna had done her X-Factor routine on Top of the Pops in the 80's, Mike Reid would have had an anuerism.  Madonna's 'Erotika' album and subsequent 'Sex' book are all laughable now (well, they were at the time too but let's move on). 

Unfortunately, Lords of Acid have also fallen victim to this exponential rise of a permissive and liberal society.  What might have been genuinely shocking, rude and / or (if you're a bit weird) sexy at the time, just comes across as forced, funny and faintly ridiculous.  Saying all that, Lords of Acid probably made this with studded tongue firmly in (most likely) studded cheek and unlike Madonna, they don't take themselves too seriously. 

Jade 4 U is an accomplished singer and I find her voice to be quite sexy.  I wouldn't take her to meet my mother, of course.  The tracks fulfil their ambition of providing hardcore dance music but are quite listenable, certainly in the mode of Prodigy, Chemical Brothers and a slew of other 90's dance acts.  I'm a reformed raver myself but occasionally, I like to tune out of Classic FM and put some of these old-skool records back on the 'decks'.  Peter Kay says it well; "Put some of that Smack Yer Bitch Up on, yer mam loves that".  Street.  Except now it's "Put some of that Spank My Booty on, yer Dad loves some of that". 

You'll like this if ... You like a bit of sauce on your bacon sandwich.
You won't like this if ... You write letters to The Guardian complaining Madge's top on Neighbours is too low-cut.

Can be found on Amazon for around £14.99 but shop around.

PS.  The album title, 'Our LIttle Secret' refers to the picture of the model on the cover.  It turns out 'she' isn't a female at all ...

How to eat a Jaffa Cake (Official Regulations)

As laid down by international law, eating a Jaffa Cake can be a highly contentious issue.  There are three recognised methods of consumption and while each has its own merits (and pitfalls), it's down to the consumer to choose which one they prefer.

1. The Chomp

This is the earliest known consumption method, as originally devised by the inventor of the Jaffa Cake, Mr Morton Price of Edinburgh, Scotland in 1927.  Now considered to be quite brutish, the chomp is nonetheless still an effective method for devouring that delicious orange, chocolate and sponge combination.

• Place the Jaffa Cake firmly in gob.
• Bite down with teeth and make a chewing motion.
• Don't forget to swallow.

Good Points: It satisfies the immediate craving.
Bad Points: No finesse and exquisiteness is not savoured.

2. The Suck

This is a relatively new method, first seen in the 1962 Jaffa Cake World Cup held in Mexico City.  A certain Mrs Fanny Longstocking came up with 'The Suck' and several of the elderly female judges fainted.  The event went down in Jaffa Cake folklore and is now known as 'The '62 Incident'.  It's a shame as Mrs Longstocking was permanently banned and died only a few short years later, never to see the International Rules' Committee finally relent and allow 'The Suck' to be used in competition. 

• Place the Jaffa Cake firmly in gob.
• Suck.  Hard.
• Keep sucking.
• Savour the flavours of first chocolate, then orange and finally the sponge, as it breaks up into a lovely gooey mess.
• Rules state the mouth must be clean.  Open wide and say 'Ahhhh'.

Good Points: A rich amalgamation of flavours.  Longevity.
Bad Points: Gets a bit messy.  Overtly sexual and can attract unwanted attention.

3. The Deconstruction

The Deconstruction was inaugurated into the Championships in 1932, partially as a response to a legal challenge made by a rival cake maker.  Since then, it has gone on to become the most skilled, dramatic and popular of all the events in the Jaffa Cake Consumption Calendar.  Who can forget the classic final of 1985 when over 150 billion people worldwide watched Tony 'Tiger' Titheed triumph over Timothy 'Terrible' Taylor in the strangely alliterative but thrilling final.  It went down to the last chomp, the closest in history.

A word of warning, no implements are allowed in 'The Deconstruction'.  The method must only be achieved through body parts only.  The 1986 Championships were marred by widespread cheating and the winner, Ms Jem Bohmson was stripped of her title afer a spoon was discovered up her sleeve.  Laughing Larry Arsebiscuit, in second place, was promoted to first only for HIM to have his title stripped after he was found in a janitor's cleaning cupboard, naked and surrounded by the crumbly remains of a packet of Chocolate Digestives.  Finally, after months of deliberation and several high-profile court cases, Herbert Stoolwater was declared the winner.  Which was a surprise to him as he hadn't officially entered the competition, wasn't at the venue, nor had he even heard of it.  You can't make this stuff up.

• Remove the sponge, either with teeth, fingers or toes.  Place to one side.
• Carefully peel away the orange segment and place next to chocolate.
• The chocolate layer on top has to be complete or as near as possible.

Points are deducted for incomplete or broken components and the maximum is 100.  This is commonly thought to be impossible and the highest ratified total ever awarded in an official competition was an 89, as collected by Francis Von Shlurpyshlurpysheepsheep of Belgium in the Monaco Invitational Event of 1971. 

There's also a health warning attached to 'The Deconstruction' method as Ukranian entrant, Ivor Bollokov, found out to his cost in Madrid, 1983.  During the semi-finals and after a strong showing in the heats, Mr Bollokov was leading by a wide margin ahead of his main rival, Dr Peter Ness, when a freak shard of chocolate lodged in his eye.  For several minutes he was incapacitated and despite the best intentions of the paramedics on the scene, Bollokov had to retire.  He would return in '84 to claim back the crown from Dr Ness albeit wearing a pair of blue swimming goggles.  These are now mandatory in all events.

Good Points: Allows the cake to be enjoyed as nature intended.
Bad Points: Highly skillful, dangerous if incorrectly performed, time-consuming.

Controversy

There has been controversy by the International Rules Committee who have consistently disallowed the 'Double-Chomp'.  Some say that it is the only true method of eating Jaffa Cakes and while there is some merit in that argument, at this time, the IRC are steadfastly sticking to their guns.

However, for completeness, here are the rules for the 'Double-Chomp' as provided by a spokesperson for radical splinter group 'Double-Chomp Rules'.

• Take 1 bite, leaving as close to 50% of the ORANGE segment only.
• Chomp the remaining half.

Good Points: Technical chomping, good spread of cakeage.Bad Points: Not officially recognised due to inconsistency of orange segment to be centralized.

More Information

The Jaffa Cake World Championships are held every 2 years at different cities around the globe.  The 2011 champion is Dirk 'Diggling' Dangleberry, 42 of Surrey and has held the title for 3 years now, a record.  In between the championships are many other competitions, ranging from 1 star (beginners) to 5 star (professionals).  The World Championships is the only 6-star event.  Anyone can compete, providing they like Jaffa Cakes of course and there are numerous training centres around the country (known as 'Shops'). 

Go along, buy some Jaffa Cakes and enter.  You never know, one day you could be crowned Supreme Champion like Dirk Dangleberry or Sue Perdooper, the very first champion in 1928.  Go on, give it a go, you know you want to.

Book review: Memorial Day by Vince Flynn

Synopsis

After capturing several high-ranking members of AL-Qaeda, Mitch Rapp discovers an audacious plot to detonate a nuclear bomb in Washington DC.

Opinion

Memorial Day, originally written in 2004, fortuitously predicts real-life events several years later.  Starting with a covert mission by counter-terrorist unit 'Orion Team' to capture and / or kill high-ranking Al-Qaeda operatives deep behind the Pakistani border, it could almost have been written about the mission for Bin Laden in 2011.  Chillingly, and hopefully where it diverges away from real-life, within the terrorists' compound the assault team discover plans to detonate a large nuclear bomb in the centre of Washington DC.  And so begins a race against time to stop a secret group of Islamic Fundamentalist terrorists from pressing the button before they can be found and no doubt, executed to within an inch of their lives.

Vince Flynn seems to have fallen into the common trap of an author writing himself as the lead character.  Mitch Rapp is who Vince Flynn wants to be had he taken up a life of assassinating people, covert black ops and the rapacious murder of terrorist prisoners.  Using key violent moments of the past twenty years to paint his characters with broad brush strokes, they come across as none-dimensional and wooden.  It's almost like reading the script for a Chuck Norris film (perhaps starring Karl Weathers as the bad guy).

The action and story moves along at a decently brisk pace and an intimate knowledge of equipment, weapons, procedures and political intrigue allows Flynn to bring to life violent set-pieces and momentous battles, as well as the paraphernalia surrounding a vast array of secret Government departments, special tactics' forces and everything else we're not supposed to know about.

It's Rapp who I have the biggest problem with.  You just know if you met the guy, you'd hate him.  Not because he operates on the edges of acceptable behaviour or he's the bestest, most highestly-trained assassin the whole wide World has ever seen like, EVER, but because he comes out with lines like: _"You don't want to know what I'm about to do"_ or _"Shut up and listen"_ to a room of the US's most senior movers and shakers (including the President).  Oh come on, give it a rest big fella, have a Pimms or something.  At least when Tom Clancy writes himself as Jack Ryan, there's an element of compassion and empathy.  Here, Rapp is just an amalgamation of every 'maverick' get-it-done cop / soldier / florist that's ever been committed to celulloid or the written word.  In every other sentence, Rapp admonishes the bureaucracy and political interfering from City Hall, I mean Washington, that threatens to derail his gun-slinging and terrorist torturing antics. 

Really, he's Dirty Harry for the noughty generation.  Whether Flynn intended for that to be the case is debatable but even so, Inspector Callaghan of the San Francisco Police Force had much more depth than his big gun and memorable one-liners allowed (as later Dirty Harry films would show).  Another character comparison would be Jack Bauer of 24, the flawed head of the CTU and that is the point, Bauer IS flawed and that's what makes him human.  Rapp is just too perfect a killing machine and hence, one-dimensional to make him believable. 

But then, something happens.  Surreptitously, the book draws you in, with its outlandish and over-the-top scenarios, Governmental intrigue and evil machinations from those religiously and stereotypically devoted to their murderous causes.  Forgetting that it reads like a Republican Party manifesto, it's entertaining in a ridiculous and overtly escapist way.  The book takes itself far too seriously and for that, it's almost deserving of ridicule but it's still a fun ride.  Rather like the waltzers at the local travelling fair, it's populated by the dodgiest geezers this side of a Brixton housing estate but still fun in a 'shriek if you want to go faster' kind of way.  I like that.

The denouement is undeniably thrilling and throughout the book, the pace never really slows down.  It moves from one action beat to another, increasing the tension, ramping up the ridiculousness but because it never quite hits the same unbelievably trite heights as a risible Dan Brown novel, it's more readable because of it.  I feel almost ashamed to admit I liked it, but I did, rather like the afore-mentioned Chuck Norris film.  It's not as cleverly convoluted as a Ludlum, nor will it stretch your intellectual capabilities like a Huxley, but it's a darn good read anyway.  Methinks, one for the holidays, sat on a beach, letting the world pass by.  Don't forget the suntan lotion.

Trivia: The details contained within Memorial Day were enough to prompt a security overview by the US Department of Energy.  Perhaps it's not as far-fetched as I originally thought then?

ISBN: 9780743453974
Publisher (paperback): Pocket Books.