Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Wheelie Bins - What are they good for?

We've all got those large refuse containers in our garden or driveway but have you ever thought it could offer you so much more?  Surely we can put the good old common or garden wheelie-bin to good use?  Well, I'm here to tell you, yes you can!  No longer does it have to sit there, doing nothing except be a receptacle for your rubbish.  It must be one of the most under-used implements in the household.

Here are the top seven things you can do with a wheelie bin.

1.  Hide n seek

What better place to hide than in the secluded enclave of an enormous wheelie bin.  They are so big, you could hide in there with a small pony if you wanted to.  Who's going to look in a dustbin?  No-one, that's who!  You'll win every single game of hide 'n' seek you'll ever play!  A word of warning: Do NOT, I repeat do NOT hide in there on bin day.  If you do forget it's bin day and while you're hiding you hear a soft, beeping sound then evacuate the bin immediately.  Code red!  Code red!  The bin-men are coming! Code red!

2.  Eco-transport.

A wheelie bin is named because it has wheels.  What else has wheels?  Cars of course.  Using a small length of bamboo, a saucepan lid and some blue-tac, you can fashion yourself a third wheel onto the front of your two-wheeled wheelie bin.  Voila!  Perfect transport that doesn't use any kind of fossil fuel, has zero-emissions and will get you noticed at the traffic lights.  That hot bird in the convertible next you?  She's looking at you with lust, lust I tell you.

3.  Bird-spotting.

By cutting a small, binocular-shaped hole in the front of your wheelie bin and moving it into a field, you can spot rare birds to your hearts content.  Whatever you do though, don't try this on a nudist beach.  They don't like it.  Errr, someone told me that.  It wasn't me.  And I certainly didn't get beaten up by two fat naked blokes who were playing volleyball.  I wouldn't have minded but I'd just spotted a very rare pair of Great Tits frolicking in the surf.  I mean, my friend had done the spotting, my *friend*.

4.  Emergency Tank

If you find yourself in a war-zone, your position being encroached on by enemy soldiers, do what the A-Team would have done and that's make a tank.  Get a large piece of drainpipe and fasten it to the top of your wheelie bin with masking tape.  Using some convenient explosives lying around (it IS a war-zone after all), you can fire at the enemy some big scrunched-up pieces of newspaper that have been dipped in water to make them all soggy.  If for some strange reason that doesn't put your enemy off, run like hell.  Or better still, hide in the wheelie bin - they'll never think of looking in there!

5.  Cooking
Don't buy one of those expensive barbecues - use your wheelie bin!  Line the insides of the bin with house bricks (always think of safety), attach a hose pipe to your gas supply and feed it into a small, pre-cut hole at the bottom of your bin.  A normal garden hose and sellotape will do.  When you can smell gas, you know it's ready to light.  Standing several feet away, throw a lit match onto the top - bingo, your sausages and pork chops are ready to be burnt.  Leave those old vegetable peelings in the bottom because they add flavour.  Don't forget, because it's a wheelie bin, it's totally portable!  You can take it camping with you or even better, onto the beach.  You may need a longer hose to reach back to your house though.

6.  Sailing

It's plastic and it's shaped like a boat.  This one is so obvious I don't know why it hasn't been thought of before.  A bin will float with no additions whatsoever.  Just look at the faces of envy as you pull up to that posh yacht club down the road and push off from the bank in your floating palace.  When you've had enough of bobbing around, just sail back to the clubhouse and push it out of the water.  Easy peasy and when you're drinking Pimms in the clubhouse, everyone will want to be your friend.

7.  Getting a good view at concerts

How often do you go to a concert and end up behind a 7ft tall woman with big red bushy hair so you can't see a thing?  All the time?  Thought so.  Well no more missed concerts for you.  Put down the lid of your bin and climb on top.  You'll be at least fifteen foot tall and you can watch the concert in complete comfort.  Also, I've found that if you push a wheelie-bin around a concert hall while audibly muttering about aliens and wearing a tin-foil hat, people will move out of your way.  This is particularly useful at the end when everyone rushes for the exit.  It just never stops giving.

There you go - 7 things to do with your wheelie-bin.  Please note, I accept no responsibility if things go wrong.  Don't blame me, it was them aliens that made me do it.

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