Lego Space Buggy 3365 review

Introduction

It's a hard life here on Moon Base Alpha, some 300,000 miles away from Earth.  Sure, the facilities are good and we don't want for anything but I do miss those little pleasures in life.  The day the space freighter arrives is always a moment of celebration here in the base, it only comes once every six months after all, and with it comes those small personal artifacts that make life here just about bearable.

So it was with great joy I was finally able to take delivery of a brand new Space Buggy, model 3365 made by the Lego Corporation back down on Earth.  Our existing vehicles had long seen better day, cobbled together it seems from any old spare parts from the big bin at the back of the warehouse.

The 3365, while at the bottom of the range of models (what do you expect working for The Company?), is a lovely little motor.  Bertha, my current buggy has been modified so much, I can't remember what she originally looked like.  This first thing I'll have to do is give the 3365 a name.  Brenda seems alright.  My lovely Brenda.  There you go.

 Construction

Like all vehicles from Lego, Brenda came supplied as a flat-pack kit.  Luckily, they also supply full building instructions.  I was glad about that as I didn't fancy waiting another six months for them to arrive on the next space freighter consignment.

I had to call in Little Mel and Big Papa from Stores to help me out though.  While the instructions are very clear, it took a bit of to-ing and fro-ing before it was in a completed state.  Mel and Big P looked on with envious eyes I can tell you.

Putting it together in the workshop

Space Helmet

The first thing I noticed was the inclusion of a brand new space helmet, one of those with the gold-covered storm shield.  It looks right proper bling it does and if only I could get some zero-gravity jewellery, I'd look like Snoopy Snoopy Diggy Dog.  In space.  Word.  I'm a bit suspicious though, as The Company never send us anything as shiny and sparkly as this without a good reason.  There's been rumours flying about they are looking to expand the drilling operations over into the dark-side, and we all know what lurks over there don't we?

A very neat feature is the ability to store the helmet on the back receptacle of the vehicle when not in use using a couple of custom mounting points that fit perfectly.  A nice touch and very well-engineered.

The Wheels

The solid wheels on Old Bertha really weren't up to the job of driving over the harsh surface of the rock-strewn Moon, struggling to gain traction on some of the steeper inclines.  The new chunky wheels on the 3365 are a welcome update and after test driving around the moon-dust dunes surrounding Alpha, I can confirm they are perfectly suited to all-worldly terrain.  Those six-wheels provide plenty of grip and handling is superb and amazingly stable, especially considering the lower gravitational pull here on the Moon.

Suspension, like all other lunar vehicles, is sparse and virtually non-existent.  The extra large tyres do provide a modicum of comfort but really, it's very little and after all, it is a working vehicle designed to be used in harsh climates.

Giving it a test run on the landing pad

New Components

Lego have also updated some of the components and there are two new grill fascias, in a matt-coated tungsten grey which offsets the snazzy Ferrari red axles and forward-facing protective shield.  Not only do the grill fascias provide particle filtering to Jupiter-23 standard, they also claim to improve power to the Kilowatt Inertia Drive (K.I.D) located behind the vehicle.  Whether that's true or not, I can't tell, but that particle filtering will come in most handy.

I'm not too sure about the protective shield on the front though.  It's a bit too small for my liking and dust flying over the top can be distracting.  We were chased by one of the Quaargon Crater Beasts from Sector 4 the other day and if it weren't for the improved blast deflection capabilities of the new helmet and fantastic handling of the 3365, we would have been served up as grilled spacemen with Yorkshire puds faster than you can say, 'Do you want gravy with that human dear?'.

The rock-cutting rig on the back is sturdy and has the new Brinylonium coating to make sure it never gets stuck.  We have a few of the other cutting rigs fitted with Brinylonium and they _never_ go blunt.  I found the arm extenders to be a little limiting and it was tricky pointing it in those hard-to-reach places.  Maybe it's a case of getting use to them?  Saying that, I reckon our mechanic, Matt McFixit, will sort something out.

The communications satellite is a bit flimsy I have to say.  The Company, in paying extra for the hardened drill coating, have skimped somewhat in this regard.  It's literally pushed into one of the connector pegs on the back and I'm sure if we have any more vigorous escapes from vicious crater beasts, it would easily wiggle loose.  I don't fancy having to drive back to pick it up with all those tentacles flailing in my direction.

Drive Unit

As mentioned, the Kilowatt Inertia Drive is located to the rear of the vehicle and is roughly equally to one Actual Realized Mile (A.R.M) of power per cylinder.  That's a _lot_ of power I can tell you.  Flooring this baby over a sand-dune can send you into orbit, quite literally, and a couple of times I've had to deploy the emergency Atmos-brakes just to keep it on lunar firma.

Space Penguins! Run away! Run away!

Conclusion

The 3365, or Brenda as she is now affectionately known, is an absolute marvel.  Compared to our older terrain excavation vehicles, she is well made, powerful, handles extremely well and goes like stink when running away from all the nasty monsters up here on the Moon.

If you're running your own outer-space mining operation, I can't recommend it highly enough.  Big Papa tells me it was bought for 7,200 Moon Credits, roughly equal to about £3.50 Earth pounds, and at that price, it's a steal.

The manufacturers recommendation is from 5 to 12 years of Space Ranging experience, but I reckon with a little supervision and help in the construction, a 3 year old apprentice from the Academy would find plenty of use out of it.

You'll like this if ... you run your own deep-space mining operation
You won't like this if ... you think News at Ten is too far-fetched.

IPad app review: Conquest

Introduction

Conquest by Sean O'Connor is a Risk-style strategy game designed for the iPhone, iPod Touch and iPad.  There is a free version that is the same as the full price game but comes with only one map.  Conquer the world by deploying your armies, invading countries and rolling the nuclear dice*.

(* - dice may not actually be nuclear)

How does it work?

The player, along with a host of either computer-controlled ones, or real human ones, has a certain number of armies that are placed in countries.  On each turn, the player can choose to invade a neighbouring country by dragging a sufficiently-sized army to that country.  Up to three (computer-controlled) dice are rolled in attack and two in defense.  Where one dice is higher than the other, an army is lost.  In the case of ties, victory is given to the defense.  If a country loses all its occupying armies, the invading army becomes ruler, imposes martial law and erects statues of themselves all round the capital.  Alright, maybe not.

A minimum of 3 armies are given to each player at the beginning of a turn as reinforcements.  The more countries that are under a players influence, more armies are given as reinforcements.  If a player controls a whole territory (such as Africa), extra bonus armies are given.  To spice things up, after a player has successfully invaded a country, they are given a card.  Collect 3 cards of the same type, and they get yet another army bonus of varying amounts.  3 _different_ cards results in the biggest bonus of 12 armies. 

It sounds complicated but after a couple of turns, it becomes second nature.

Graphics

The graphics are colourful but extremely basic.  I'm from the school they knocked down to make the old-school so basic graphics don't faze me.  It's all in the gameplay.  And there's a difference between bad graphics and basic.  Basic means no frills, but functional.  Bad is just ... bad.  Some of the maps will scroll and zoom while others are annoyingly static.  It's easy to see where armies are, who is dominating the game board and how many cards your opponents are carrying.  The maps are drawn nice enough and if you're used to the original Risk board game, you'll instantly recognise the standard World one.  There's a little animation as your armies crush an opposing force (or the other way round) but it really is little.

Sound

It's poor, it grates and within seconds you'll be reaching for the mute button.  It's basically some explosion sounds, the odd cavalry trumpet charge and that's about it.  I've never had the sound on long enough to hear anything else.  I advise you do the same.

Gameplay

Brilliant, in a word.  Addictive would be another.  Past all that basic-ness, there's something strangely compelling about Conquest.  The computer AI, on the very hard level, is a strong opponent.  Like most AI in video games, it does follow a pattern but hats off to the author here as he has managed to fit in a surprising amount of depth to the automated opponents.  Even though there is a pattern, it doesn't necessarily make it easier to play.  There are one or two maps where it seems nigh on impossible to get any kind of breakthrough.  Of course, the dice rolls and cards are random it just *seems* like every opponent is out to get you, making it a very challenging game.

Settings and Maps

There are various settings that allow different modes of play with changeable rules for card bonuses, start-up and how battles are calculated, extending longevity.  The paid-for version comes with something in the region of an extra twenty maps in addition to the bog-standard Risk-like World one.  Disappointingly, a couple are virtually unplayable due to the confusing map layouts but most provide a varied and exciting challenge.  Twin Volcanoes is particularly good with an extremely well-balanced game board.  There are also maps covering England, London (really), Russia, Middle Earth, star galaxies and others.  On its App Store page, Conquest is promising to deliver more maps soon (March 2011).  They've been saying it for a couple of months now so I wait in anticipation.

Differences to Risk

• Each country in Conquest is assumed to have at least one army in it even if it's blank.  The number of available armies to attack is one less than is _actually_ in that country.  I can see why they've done this as it allows countries with only 1 army to be represented by its colour alone to avoid lots of numbers cluttering the view.  Oh my goodness, that was geeky.
• There are no objective cards.  In Conquest, it's kill or be killed.  Destroy all opponents.  Nuke 'em!  Nuke 'em!
• There are no actual 'Nukes' in the game, despite my previous statement.
• There are no actual little soldiers to play with and make huh-huh-hu-hu-hur machine gun noises.  It _is_ a video game after all.  You can still make the noises but you'll look really weird on the train.  Stops people sitting next to you though.

Bad Bits

• It cheats like a good 'un.  I'm absolutely, positively, confidently, _almost_ sure about this.  It's convenient to only give me a 4-army bonus when I could really do with 12 and ooh look, you're just about to wipe me out by invading Spain.  How _very_ convenient ... you cheating f**********d w**t r*****ly testicle.
• The light blue army is incredibly vicious.  It's got it in for me, I'm sure.  This highlights a slight fault in the AI as it will nearly always attack the human player, even when there are glaringly more obvious moves available.  Grrr.  The AI is forming a clique.  Next thing: We'll all be slaves to our machine masters.
• The lower than very hard-level levels are not very hard (I'm not sure that worked as a sentence).  They tend to bunch together in countries, building up a huge army size but not actually attacking anything.  Get out there and fight soldier, what are you?  A man or a mouse?
• Squeek.
• It can be frustrating trying to gain any kind of advantage on some of the maps.  London in particular is very difficult especially with the AI's propensity for bullying and picking on humans.

Conclusion

Personally, I always look beyond the graphics of a game as I'm a 'veteran' of video game playing so with that in mind, Conquest is incredibly compelling.  At the end of the day, it basically consists of pushing numbers around a board but has a well-balanced level of strategy in spite of that.  It doesn't have any frills because it doesn't need them.  Perhaps a modicum of imagination is needed to look beyond the numbers and imagine they are real armies, playing out Armageddon in the palm of your hand.  It makes *me* feel like an omnipotent deity, with the power to rule and destroy mankind, to crush rebellions, to impose my will on whole nations of people, to rule with an iron fist and to declare the whole world under the debauched machinations of Papa The Magnificent.  Welcome to my world now, welcome to ... Papadonia.  And all in my lunch hour too, while I eat a packet of Pickled Onion Star Raiders and a Sainsburys Value pie.  Muaha. Muahaha. Muahahaha. Muahahahaha.

Final word: It's a terrific example of substance over style and is a game I thoroughly recommend, particularly for fans of the Risk board game. 

Available from the App Store for £1.19.  Seriously, £1.19 is a stupidly cheap price for a great time-filler as this.  For comparison, £1.19 will buy a small thimble of petrol, or half a bacon sandwich from Greggs, or 4 pages of a copy of Mayfair (the middle pages of course).

http://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/conquest/id307662507?mt=8

You'll like this if ... you have ambitions of world-wide dominance.
You won't like this if ... you'd rather watch Lark Rise to Candleford instead.

Lego Police Motorcycle review

The bikes down here at Police HQ are long past their best.  Bits are falling off, they look scruffy and there's more parts welded on than a page 3 glamour model.  It was with huge relief that an updated version of the trusty LEGO Police Motorcycle was delivered to the garage.

I look soooo cool.

Construction

As with all LEGO models, they are self-assembly and it took a good few minutes for us to attached all the bits together.  The instructions were dead easy, although a couple of us were needed to lift the chassis onto the fairing but it wasn't too bad.  They even supplied a new helmets with a slide-up visor.  This was most welcome as thanks to the old visor-less helmets, I've got more flies in my teeth than a small dog chewing day-old poo.  Lego even supply a spare visor.  How good is that?

Those boys down the workshop know what they're doing.  Even in space.

Performance

This bike is fast, very fast I have to say.  From the lights just outside of TV-Standville, I was able to reach Settee Hill in an amazing 3.6 seconds, much faster than the old model.  Top speed, as observed on the kitchen floor test-track reached a mind-boggling 6 million miles per hour.  I was glad of the visor, I can tell you.  Mid-range response is good with all of those 2400 cylinders in the engine providing amazing torque.  The engine itself, despite thick twin mufflers, sounds meaty with a growling 'mmmm', 'mmmmmMM', 'mmmmmMMMMMM', 'WEEEEEEEEEE' type noises.  It certainly turns heads when riding through town.

Handling

It looks like it shouldn't be good at handling, particularly with the fixed handlebar configuration, square car tyres and chunky fairing but it's surprisingly nimble.  Chasing after a cat (burglar) the other day was great fun, whizzing through the chicane at Chair Leg Avenue with ease and literally running rings around Hi-Fi Central.  There's not much clearance with the fairing and side stands though and grinding down is a problem.

Stop! Halt!

Extras

For a basic model, we in Police HQ were surprised with the extras.  One front yellow light (non-shining), two blue lights (non-shining, non-flashing), three rear tail lights (red, non-shining, non-flashing), TWO radio aerials AND a walkie-talkie complete with holder.  We looked proper 'bling' driving through town at night.  We want to put some flashing blue neon lights on the bottom but so far, Chief Papa has denied our requests.  The miserable old goat.

There are two luggage cases, either side of the rear sub-frame but as far as we could see, there was no way to open them.  This seemed a scandalous waste of space and if we weren't mistaken, they are there purely for show.  Where are we going to put our notebooks, nightsticks and bag of donuts?

It has an independently-operated double kick-stand and even a spare should one go missing.  This doubled up as a useful crutch after I came off.  Yes, I had an 'incident' with the afore-mentioned cat (burglar).  I can't say much as investigations are ongoing but suffice to say, the cat stopped, I didn't and the rest is history.  The injuries were slight however so don't worry.  My leg came off, as did my head and I think my torso was ripped in two but it was nothing that couldn't be fixed by running crying to Chief Papa.

This looks worse than it is.

The siren is loud and goes, 'Mee-maw, mee-maw, mee-maw' (* - see below)

Bad Bits

Big Jock McEngine down in the repair shop wasn't impressed.  You see, he's a bit of a 'tinkerer' when it comes to his vehicles.  It's been so long since we've had anything new and he's used to making his own unique brand of customizations.  He didn't like the chassis or fairing, stating that nothing can be done with them insofar as adding extra bits on.  I can see his point if I'm honest.  The front light *could* be removed and an extra-large Deathray Laser Cannon would conceivably fit into the space but that's about it.  Also, when inevitably this motorcycle 'fails'  i.e thrown down the stairs, using these 'factory special' components for something else will prove difficult.

The rear luggage cases, as well as not opening, have a propensity to fall off as there is only one fixing lug.  This seemed a bit cheap on LEGO's part.  Surely they could have put two lugs on there for a bit of extra purchase?  The last thing you want when chasing the dastardly Dick Dastardly (see pics) is to have to stop to pick bits up.  Totally destroys the street cred.

Dick Dastardly about to kill the photographer.  Grrr.

The visor on the new helmets are great, but are quite fiddly and difficult to see on a carpet should they fall off.  Chief Papa stepped on one the other day and he shouted words that would make a Donny lass blush.

Conclusion

For £3.97, the Lego Motorcycle represents excellent value for money.  It falls down somewhat in the longevity stakes as part of the appeal of *any* Lego product is the ability to use the  bricks to make other things.  The two main components here, the chassis and the fairing, could not by any stretch of the imagination be used to make anything other than a chassis and a fairing which is a real shame.  Lego are in danger of removing the biggest weapon they have in their armoury and that is the power of imagination.  Without it, they are just like any other bog-standard toy.

Apart from that, the extras make it a worthwhile investment to add to your arsenal of vehicles for the never-ending fight against crime.

You'll like this if ... You want to catch criminals
You won't like this if ... You're a desk jockey

(* - siren not included.  Make your own noises).

Things to do with a scarf

A scarf is one of those everyday, boring pieces of clothing that can't do anything.  You'd think.  But no, I'm here to tell you the scarf is one of the wonders of nature.  It's a tool, a comforting device, a safety mechanism and many many more things.  A scarf will keep you warm in Winter, make you look cool in Summer and has a whole multitude of uses in between.  Settle down, make yourself comfortable, get a cup of tea and read on to find out how the humble scarf can improve, enhance and transform your life in so many ways.

... as a cushion

On the early morning train, there's nothing nicer than relaxing your head and snoozing on your scarf.  Fold it into a neat parcel and you've got a perfect pillow.  Next thing you know, you arrive at your destination fresh as a daisy, ready to face the day with a smile on your face and a spring in your step.  The only downside to this is it can get *too* comfortable.  You don't want to fall asleep, dreaming of your partner nibbling your ear only to find yourself in Edinburgh, snuggling up to a big bearded bloke who got on at Durham.  Even worse, the big bearded bloke is the one nibbling your ear and *he's* wide awake.  Set an alarm an your phone or something.

A pretty cushion / scarf.  I think.

... as a scarf-a-chute

In particular, scarf-scending where you attach yourself to a powerful speed boat at the end of a ski-rope.  Holding on to the ends of the scarf, it will billow out behind you and the wind will lift you high into the sky.  The view from high up there is fantastic and all because of the humble scarf.  A note on safety: It helps to have a signal to the captain of the boat so he can see if you're OK.  So, after telling the driver to stop *only* on your commands, if you want to go faster, wave your arms around frantically.  As we don't want to look like an idiot in front of all the bronzed godesses tanning themselves on Scarbrough beach, to stop, we'll give the captain of the boat a very slight, sureptitious wink of the left eye.  Remember, safety at all costs but not at the expense of looking well cool.

Remember, safety first but not at the expense of looking cool

... as a catapult

We've all been there.  We've had an argument with someone and the next thing you know, we're laying siege to their medieval castle.  Using the scarf and a couple of twigs from a nearby tree, we can fashion a high-powered catapult with which to bombard said castle.  It will happily send large boulders, barrels of flaming oil and even midgets over those tall walls.  It helps to be in the Dark Ages for this one I admit, but still, it's nice to know we've got the choice eh?  And, if for some reason, you find yourself in a biblical re-enactment of David and Goliath, the scarf would be perfect as your slingshot.  I amaze myself sometimes.

I'm sure there's a scarf in there somewhere.

... as a fishing rod

Entwining some maggots into the frilly bits at the end of your scarf allows it to be used as a rudimentary fishing rod.  There's nothing better than eating your own freshly caught fish and with the scarf, we can ensure fish is on the dinner table every day of the week.  It helps to have quite a long scarf for this one too.  Those upstarts, the neckerchief, won't cut the mustard here unless you don't mind lying down on the bank of the river.  A plastic mac will help in those circumstances.

See look? A scarfrod.

... as a disguise

Sometimes, anonymininininity is the best thing for all concerned.  If you're interest in a career as a high-society cat-burglar, then a scarf has to be an essential part of your arsenal during those midnight sojourns to the local priceless jewellery store.  As you jimmy the locks and evade the death-dealing lasers at Elizabeth Duke's (at Argos), a scarf will protect your identity as you stuff your slimline black backpack with Faberge eggs, Rolex watches and semi-precious gold bracelets with diamonique inlays.  And when you're running away from the hired goons and vicious guard dogs, use the scarf to fire off a parting shot using the technique described above for catapults.  It just never stops giving.

Even monkey men people are getting in on the act.

... as a form of clothing

When you find yourself naked on the grass lawn outside the local Nunnery like I did last Sunday, there's nothing more embarrassing than having to ask for a hessian sack or some other kind of itchy materal to cover your modesty.  If you've remembered your scarf after that drinking session out on the town, simply wrap it round the important bits and don't forget, it will also keep you warm.  The Police don't have to get involved and you can walk around unnoticed, blending in quite naturally with all the other church-goers.  Those looks they're giving you?  They love your attire, that's what, they're *jealous* they didn't think of it first.

Perfect church-going attire.

... as a tow-rope

There's nothing worse or more tedious than having to cycle.  All that exercise can't be good for you so, by attaching one end of your scarf to the front of your push-bike and the other end to the tow-bar of a passing Ford Mondeo, you can be pulled along at speed without having to do anything.  It's free too and because you're on a push-bike, it's good for the enviroment.  You can even lean back in the saddle, steer using your feet and eat a pie while admiring the scenery.  I find it easier to steer with my feet if I wear flip flops and if safety is a concern, wrap another scarf around your head to act as an impromptu crash helmet.

WOMEN!  PULLING A CAR!

... as a lassoo

Taking a cue from fishing with scarves, we can take the whole self-sustinence thing a stage further.  Tying a slip knot around one end, you can use the scarf as a decent alternative to a rope lassoo.  Head down to the local farm in the dead of night, use the scarf-assoo to catch yourself a cow and hey presto! - free food for a week.  When you see the satisfied looks on your family's faces as they tuck into yet another 64oz steak, don't forget to mention who gave you the idea.  I accept all forms of payment.

Super hero scarf lassoo

... as a climbing aid

How many times in movies have we seen people escape from tall buildings by knotting together bed sheets and traversing from an upstairs window?  It happens all the time and yet, if these people had had a simple scarf, they'd have been well sorted.  This one is so obvious it's not true.  Next time I go climbing in Snowdonia, I'm taking my scarf instead of ropes.  And because it's always cold there, my scarf will keep me warm.  I'm brilliant me. 

Rasputin climbing a wall.

... as an iScarf

Who needs iPods?  Remove the speakers from your expensive home hi-fi system and using a few simple pieces of thread, sew the speakers into the ends of your scarf.  Mount the hi-fi part  of the system into an easy-to-carry backpack and you've got your very own personal stereo iPod clone.  Obviously, unless you've got a very long extension lead, you'll have to stay in the vicinity of a plug but that's a small price to pay for the convenience and sheer listening pleasure you will receive from the Papa Scarf-a-tron.  I ought to patent that, I'd make an absolute mint.  You heard it here first people.

A pig, laughing at my ideas.  Damn you pig.  I'm going to eat you.

Conclusion

So there you have it, 10 practical and useful uses of the humble scarf.  I'm sure you'll agree, all of the uses here are something anyone can and should do   The scarf is not just for keeping warm or Christmas, it's also a fashion device, an extreme sport, a form of transportation, a castle-siege tool and many other things.  I'm sure you can think of a multitude of other uses too so don't forget to tell me and I'll exploit you mercilessly.  I mean, cut you in on a share of the profits, or something.

I'll finish with a little rhyme entitled: The Scarf

Oh humble scarf, my best friend,
Your wonders will, never end.
You're so much fun, my lovely scarf,
I wonder if, you will rhyme with laugh?

From angling for fish, to climbing hills,
Sky diving high, to paying the bills.
From lasooed cow, and all that beef,
to surfing at sea, avoiding the reef.

A musical gadget, the best you've had,
No Sony Walkman, or Apples iPad.
From saving the world, pushless bike,
Keeping you warm, in snow you hike.

It's fair to say, the scarf does it all,
From large and wide, to thin and small.
Where would I be, without my scarf,
I'd be much less whole, probably half.

Movie review: Paintball (2009)

If you can be sure of one thing in the world of movies, it's to never ever sign up for a team-building exercise that promises 'ultra-realism'.  This will nearly always involves travelling to some remote village or far-off forest and being hunted by a bunch of rich psycho's in ski-masks who carry high-powered weaponry.  Ice T did it in _Surviving the Game_, loads of pretty American teenagers did it in _Hostel_ (and the even more risible _Hostel 2_) and Liam Neeson rescued his daughter from it in _Taken_.  Let's face it, if you're a bored billionaire, what's the first thing you're going to do?  Hunt people, that's what.  Don't laugh, I've heard Branson's interested. 

So it is with Paintball.  After falling for the worst advertising campaign ever, fronted by the dodgiest bloke this side of a Middle Eastern dictator, a bunch of Euro-teens head to the forest to do some battle with pretend guns and balls of Dulux.  What they don't know is they're being set up and it's not long before those pellets of paint are being swapped for real bullets where they are picked off one by one for the sadistic amusement of person or persons unknown.

It's not a particularly original story it has to be said.  The films mentioned above are just ones of the top of my head.  I can also think of _Southern Comfort_ (1981) and even the amazing _Deliverance_ (1973?) that follow similar lines.  I'm sure there are others so I suppose the question is whether Paintball brings anything new to the party.

Opinion

Shot for the majority on a hand-held camera, the viewer is virtually invited to take part in these 'war-games' along with the rest of the crew and while this provides a gritty feel to the film, for some, this could be very off-putting.  It's like a cross between Cloverfield, Deliverance and erm, Saw (except there are no huge alien monsters, banjo-playing slack-jawed yokels or frightening clown dolls).  The camera operator is never acknowledged by actors and this ignorance makes it appear forced.  If it had been another player in the 'game', such as the camera operator in Cloverfield, it would have added an extra dose of realism.

There have obviously been budget limitations imposed on director Daniel Benmayor's first feature but fair play to him for making a fist of what he had to play with.  Not least, the cast of relative unknowns he's been given to knock off in imaginative ways.  The only one I could vaguely recognise was Brendan Mackay, a bit-part stalwart of the small screen here in Blighty.  The other token Brit, Neil Maskell who's actually been in 'proper' films, was given one of the most annoying parts I've seen in any film ever, and that includes Grease 2.  We actually cheered when he was bumped off (oh come on, it's hardly a revelation is it?).  The characters all get a bit too hysterical for my liking.  Whenever I've been hunted by homicidal killers, and that happens more than I care for, I've always been as calm as a monk in a brothel. 

The plot offers very few surprises save for a couple of unexpected twists but even these are revealed far too early in the story.  "Oh, so *that's* what it's all about?" was the thought going through our heads.  Once the reveal had been, ahem, revealed, the rest of the film was simply a guessing game of who was going next and in what particularly gruesome fashion.  Really, that and a gruesome fascination into the next method of dispatch were the only things piquing our interest.  Even then, the killers seemed to get bored of boffing the 'ballers and imagination ran out long before the end of the film.

The gore was kept to a minimum and most, if not all, of the squirmy squishy bits are filmed from the viewpoint of the killer who happens to be wearing night-vision goggles.  This means the blood is in black and white and probably a reason for its 15 rating as opposed to an 18.  It guarantees a bigger audience but ends up putting the film into a sort of halfway house between Predator-style thriller and Saw-like horror.  Neither work entirely well and I feel a whole-hearted attempt at one or the other would have produced a more convincing result.  It's fair to say, the night-vision goggles gimmick was over-worked.

Conclusion

I don't mind suspending belief when watching films but surely the protagonists knew what they were getting into?  They were driven to the forest while masked and chained to the floor of a lorry.  Oh come on, evil Herod's chapstick, the last time I went paintballing, we were given free bacon sandwiches.  There was none of that, no pies, chocolate bars or anything and alarm bells would have been ringing louder than a nun finding out how much the washing machine vibrates.  But no, they took it as 'normal' and just thought it was a laugh.  No food?  Yeah, a right laugh that.  Saying all that, I can't help feeling they got their just desserts (ooh, dessert) by falling for that ridiculously stupid TV advert.

It's not a truly awful film and at least we watched all the way through.  It wasn't scary nor particularly thrilling but fun in a perverse, voyeuristic way.  If watching, combine it with a party drinking game to see who's getting killed next and who will survive.  Don't neck your vodka shots every time one of them screams in an unconvincing manner though, you'll end up in casualty.

You'll like this if ... you're mad on paint-balling.
You won't like this if ... you're mad on ball-painting.

Board game review: Carcassonne, The Tower Expansion

What is it?

Carcassonne Tower Expansion is an add-on for the Carcassonne base game.  Carcassonne is a clever tile-laying game where 2-5 players build up a map of cities, roads, fields and rivers.  With strategic placement of followers on these landscape features, points are scored.

Who will enjoy this game?

Being an expansion, The Tower requires the original Carcassonne board to play.  The Carcassonne gaming system is a fun, family-orientated game and the rules are easy to pick up.  It's known as a Euro or German style game where the theme and emphasis is towards economy and area control as opposed to combat and luck.  In a lot of Euro games, players tend not to be eliminated and stay in the game until the end, allowing for a high level of player interaction but more importantly, no family members feeling left out because they've been knocked out of the game early.  Also, in most games of Carcasonne, the true winner is not determined until the final points tally.

What's in the box?

The Tower Expansion, as the name suggests, is an expansion to the original game.  It consists of 18 extra landscape tiles with nicely-drawn tower foundations, 30 wooden tower pieces, a thick-stock cardboard *actual* tower, around 10 inches or so high, that acts as a handy container to pull out tiles for the game and finally, an A5 double-sided rules sheet.  The extra tiles can be used as per normal ones should you wish to eskew these expanded rules (but why would you want to?).  The quality is excellent, as is to be expected of Rio Grande games, and the components stand up well to many repeated plays.  The tower is pre-constructed so no glueing or pushing together pieces of card.

What does the expansion do?

The Tower Expansion introduces a new element of strategy by allowing players to build towers that 'capture' opponent pieces within a pre-described area of influence.  As the tower grows higher, so does the area of influence it exerts.  Tower pieces can only be placed on landscape tiles with one of the new tower icons on them but a tower can be expanded anywhere on the board, icon permitting, and not only on the tile just played.  Players can cap a tower by permanently placing a follower, or meeple as they are known, on top of a tower thus preventing further expansion.  Once an opponents piece is captured, they can be bought out of captivity in exchange for three victory points or a straight swap should each player hold another players piece. 

The *actual* tower as supplied in the expansion doesn't add anything at all to the game except as a place for all the tiles to be stored and drawn out easily. 

Most (if not all) of the expansions within the Carcassonne game system can be combined to make a really really big game.  I suggest renting out an aircraft hangar should you wish to do that.

More strategy please

As Carcassonne is concerned with making the most of limited resources i.e. placing followers onto scoring features such as cities, roads and farms, so to have a follower imprisoned can be a large factor in the final scoreboard.  More care is needed when placing meeple onto the board as another player could easily take over a tower and capture your piece.  Conversely, capping a tower will protect your meeple from capture but it means you have one less resource to utililize for those all important feature scores (capped towers don't score any points).

The rules are fairly clear and concise although we did have a slight discrepancy that we had trouble resolving.  When a tower is capped, does it simply stop same-coloured meeples within its area of influence being taken prisoner or does it also stop other players from placing tiles and resources nearby too?  We played it so we could place resources without being penalized even though it seemed strange to do so. 

For example, there was a long road leading up to a large capped tower and placing a thief on the road seemed strange considering the tower is supposed to be providing protection.  It didn't explicitly say in the rules we couldn't do that so that's how we played it.  Conversely, by not allowing players to place tiles in the blank areas, the map could have quite easily become disjointed and imbalanced.

Conclusion

The Tower Expansion is an interesting, well-made addition to the Carcassonne base game and offers a new strategic element.  The tower pieces themselves pleasingly add height and an extra dimension to a normally flat game map.  The large tower-shaped cardboard piece holder seems a little gimmicky as it doesn't add anything to the game but in practice, it's actually really useful by allowing tiles to be pulled out with ease, keeps the game table clutter free and provides an easy-storage facility when not in play.  All in all, a great buy and an enjoyable addition to the Carcassonne series.

Bought for 19.99 from Travelling Man in York but can be bought in any good games store.  I recently saw Carcassonne being sold in Waterstones - a great coup for Rio Grande and can only result in more people trying out these fabulous games.  Expected playing time as stated on the box is 60 minutes but in practice, account for 90 minutes.  The game is suitable (and fun!) for all ages from 8+.  It has elements of arithmetic, forward-planning and gamesmanship.

PS

If your only experience of board games is with Monopoly, Cluedo and the odd game of Scrabble, I urge you to try out games such as Carcassonne.  There is a whole sub-culture waiting to be explored when it comes to board games and the depth of these games goes way beyond anything produced by Hasbro or Mattel.

IPad app review: Rebirth by PropellerHead

In the dim and distant days, popular dance music was performed on real instruments.  Then in the late 70's, electricity was invented. boring instruments went out of the window and God gave us the TR-808 drum machine.  It rocked.  He also gave us a TB-303 bass line generator.  That also rocked.  Together, they rocked like two rockers rocking to rock music.  Except it was hardcore rave music and we loved it and we bowed down to their collective greatness.

Those fantastic bits of hardware gimmickry were consigned to the scrap bin and it wasn't until a resurgence of interest in the late 80's and early 90's, thanks largely to the illegal rave music scene, did pioneers of dance music embrace them with open arms.  That all changed in 1997 when Propellerhead released a software emulation package for the PC that reproduced _perfectly_ those old pieces of kit.  And what software.  The attention to detail was stupefying, the sounds were faithfully accurate and for something mouse-operated, turning all those dials and knobs, albeit on a screen, made it all seem satisfyingly tactile.  At the time, I longed for a touch screen version and in a fortuitous display of forward-thinking, my wish has been granted and here it is. 

What is it and how does it work?

Rebirth is a software emulation of three pieces of studio hardware, namely the TB-303 bass line sequencer, the TR-808 drum machine and the TR-909 drum machine.  If these numbers and names don't mean anything at all, chances are, if you've heard any kind of electronic dance music from the last twenty five years, you'll have heard what they produce without actually knowing what produced them (if that makes sense?).

The software is presented as a rack system where the different components are stacked on top of each other.  There are two TB-303 sequencer modules and in addition to the dials for changing how it sounds, they each have a small keyboard for entering notes.  Programming one of these bad boys is not really like playing a 'proper' keyboard.  Each bar (or pattern as they call it) is split into 16 'steps' and 4 steps equates to a beat.  Pressing the next and previous buttons, the user loops through all the steps, entering a note and pressing another button to say if the note is 'on' or 'off'.  The current step number is signified by a small LED-style counter. 

As the keyboard only spans one octave, there is another button that adds or subtracts an octave from the currently played note.  This gives a total of 3 octaves within which notes can be played in.  Each note can also have an 'accent' where it's played with slightly more emphasis and a 'portamento' where the note slides from one to the next in a smooth fashion.  This does allow a fair degree of character and personality to be built into the patterns to ensure they don't sound too clinical or sterile.

Patterns are stored in a pattern 'bank' on the left hand side.  Roughly 80 patterns per sound module can be saved in any one song.  That's ample considering the repetitive nature of electronic dance music.  These pattern banks are extended to the two drum machines as well.  A sequence of patterns is linked together to form a whole song.  This is done via the current pattern selector at the top of the rack (ok, screen).  Select a song step, select a pattern and that's it.

The drum machines work slightly different.  Instead of a piano roll, all 16 steps of the pattern are represented and one or more of the drum elements can be assigned to each of those steps.  Turning the dial allows different drum parts to be selected such as snare, bass drum, high hats etc.  A very basic drum loop may contain a bass drum on every 4th step, a high hat in the middle and a snare sound on every 8th step.  It will sound something like; bff-tsk-scher-tsk-bff-tsk-sher-tsk etc.

Once patterns have been programmed, a 'live' recording can then be instigated.  Flicking the top switch to 'live' mode enables Rebirth to capture changes to any of the dial positions that affect the sounds.  As the song keeps looping round, more and more dials can be recorded and the timbre of the song can be altered quite dramatically.    There really are too many dials and knobs and gadgetrickery to list them all.  The echo effect is worthy of mention and adds a lustrous quality to any bass line.  Turn it to max and you've got your very own Goa-trance sequencer unit.  Marvelous.  There are also dials for such esoteric stuff as frequency cutoff, modulation and resonance.  It doesn't matter what any of that means, just twist those dials and play baby.

It's quite a powerful little system and reminiscent of high-end automated mixing desks found in recording studios.

Like the PC version, Rebirth comes with some user-created 'skins' for the app that alters radically how it looks.  I don't find much value in these extra mods as there's a lot going on already in the basic version without some spotty oiks idea of a user-interface to confuse me. 

In Use

Thinking back to using this software on a PC, I would have killed for a touch-screen as it seemed such a natural fit for that kind of device.  Moving dials and pressing buttons would be a doddle, I thought.  In reality, it's just too ... fiddly.  The limited screen size of the iPod doesn't help at all and it's like trying to create music by poking your finger through a letter box.  Other music apps on the iPod (and iPad) work really well as they have been designed with the iPod in mind.  As Rebirth is a straight port from the PC version, no thought has been given to the limitations of its form factor.  Using on an iPad helps a lot as the whole rack is shown in all its glory but the graphics are too blocky.  Sure, it's the sounds that count at the end of the day but I've got a high-def screen here and I want high-def graphics.  To be fair to PropellerHead, they do do an iPad version with exactly the same sounds but for more than twice the price.  Go figure.

This is the HD version. The iPhone version running on the iPad is much more blocky.

The implementation of moving the dials isn't how I expected them to work.  You tap a dial and as the finger is dragged up or down, the dial moves from left to right.  Weird, really weird and takes some getting used to.  I always imagined I'd do a kind of 'spinning pinch' move with my fingers to turn a dial.  I was as deflated as a punctured lung.

Construction of songs is as weird as it has always been.  Then again, it was never straight-forward on those old devices anyway.  To recreate the hardware perfectly means to also recreate its limitations.  I can only say, you _do_ get used to it.  It's not hard to get sounds out of it though and just random pushing of buttons will soon get you going.  The handful of sample songs included as examples are really good and show what can be achieved with a _lot_ of time and effort.  The drum machines are particularly useful, especially when creating drum loops for use in other packages.  Individually exported patterns are easy to export and then pick up through iTunes.

Conclusion

I haven't fired up Rebirth on my PC for years and I admit, there was an element of nostalgia creeping into my purchasing decision when buying this for the iPod.  Over time, I had built it up in my own mind to be this incredibly fantastic beat box that will do everything.  It's a fantastic beat box, sure, but it certainly won't do _everything_.  The sounds it produces have aged somewhat and are not quite in vogue any more.  They've been done to death and with the mercurial rise of genres such as Dub-step, Drum n Bass and others, there is a much more heady mix of tonal textures going on in the bedroom-producers' arsenal. 

Then, it suddenly dawned that I *never* used it for full song production anyway, even on the PC.  I used it to create bars and loops of beats and bass lines that I exported to another package, and that's probably where it's at its most useful.  At £3.99 for the iPod version and a pretty scandalous £8.99 for the iPad version, it's _reasonable_ value for money.  As a source of home-grown electronic beats, bass lines and arpeggiated synth lines, it was up there with the best.  It's just that it's been surpassed by much more modern software and equipment.  PropellerHead have done nothing to bring their 1997 release up-to-date and that seems like an opportunity missed.

You'll like this if ... You're into 'old skool' acid-house rave music.
You won't like this if ... You're still doing The Charleston at the family Christmas party.