Movie review: Faster (2010)

A man is released from prison and sets out to gain revenge on the gang that murdered his brother ten years previously in a botched bank job.

Dwayne Johnson is a rare beast having made a successful transition from wrestling ring to bona fide action A-lister.  With his 'The Rock' persona, he was genuinely charismatic in the WWE ring and a firm fan favourite whether playing a heel or 'face.  As an actor, he would be the first to admit he's never going to be giving RDN or Pacino a run for their money but he is what he is - a big hulking testosterone-y mans man that can kick derriere and take names.  While not afraid to show his comedic side, including a fabulous self-parody in 'The Other Guys' starring Will Ferrell, his action credentials are undoubted even if his acting ones are lacking.  Luckily, here, he doesn't have to do much and that fits in with his character quite nicely.

With Faster, belief suspension is imperative.  Don't go in expecting a discourse on existential theory by 19th century Danish philosophers (Kierkegard was a hoot, apparently), rather if you take it as a brainless thriller, you'll be much more entertained.  A good value Billy Bob Thornton crops up in a role as a damaged detective assigned to the case as the body count racks up while Johnson despatches bad guys with ease.  Maggie Grace provides a bit of eye-candy (and nothing more) while Brit Oliver Jackson-Cohen, ex-Hollyoaks alumni, crops up as a bored millionaire-cum-assassin.  He's far too pretty and suave.  The plot, despite a few twist and turns, is largely predictable but never plodding and the pacing is just about right.

It's easy to pick holes in a film like Faster but, do you know what, I feel that's being too harsh as the film hasn't been well received by critics already.  The characters are drawn with very broad strokes and while we get a little back-story, there's not enough to make them more than 2-dimensional.  It could have been better, sure, but there's place in this world for movies of this ilk.  They are pure candy floss, providing an instant hit of sugary confection but disappearing soon afterwards.  I don't mind that at all.  It's worth a punt if you have a few beers spare, a take-out pizza on order and a large comfy sofa to sink into.  Just leave your brain at the door and you'll be fine.

My rating: 6/10.  A 4/10 if I think too much about it.

Movie Review: The Grey (2012)

Liam Neeson is a sniper hired by an oil-drilling company in the Arctic wilderness to literally keep the wolves at bay.  On a flight back to civilization, the plane carrying a load of hardened rig-workers crashes into the frozen tundra.  Neeson, along with the survivors, find themselves being hunted by a vicious pack of wolves, wanting to turn them into meatball sandwiches at the earliest opportunity.

And that's the story in a nutshell.  Of course, it's more than that as over time the characters are fleshed out (figuratively and literally) and the story progresses into a survivalist trek through stunning, Arctic scenery beset by breathtaking Winter storms.  Neeson, as ever, is good value and he's to be credited for attempting what looked like an arduous shoot at nearly 60 years of age.  Then again, his CV, particularly after his Oscar-nodded turn in Schindler's List, has been a melange of action-adventurers including the highly successful and hugely entertaining 'Taken' (2008).  He's certainly defined himself as an action star despite his advancing years.

The Grey promises much and mainly delivers.  Thrills and shocks are provided by the wolves as their pack-hunting instincts and innate intelligence allow them to pick off the luckless survivors one by one.  One memorable scene finds the protagonists shining their flame torches out into the darkness and seeing reflected back numerous malevolently hungry eyes.  Gulp.  The supporting characters are given enough time to grow and while they tend to fall into stereotypical cliches, there's enough back story to each so we care when they're inevitably bumped off.

It comes across as the bastard child of a sub-zeroed Jaws (1975) 'twixt Southern Comfort (1980), which is no bad comparison as both of those films are superlative in the genre.  I could name any number of other films where the boundaries cross but that's doing The Grey an injustice.  It's genuinely tense, has action in spades and leaves a lasting impression.  The cast do well but it's Neesons film and he's quite superb.  Saying that, even he plays second fiddle to some incredible cinematography.  The Arctic wilderness has never looked so harsh, foreboding or beautiful.

On a side note, the CGI for the wolves is quite atrocious in places.  Being shot in genuine minus-40 weather, they didn't scrimp on the location so why on the animal training?  Doesn't make sense.  It's not enough to detract a whole point from my final score.  Perhaps they blew the CGI budget on the frightfully realistic plane crash?  That was well scary.

Overall, it's a decent enough film with realistic characters, well-placed story beats and plenty of blood-covered snow to keep the gorists happy.  It's a shame the wolf effects were so naff and I sincerely hope it doesn't do for these wonderful, majestic animals what Jaws did for sharks.  Oh, and wait until ALL the credits have rolled or you'll miss a bit (like we did).

Rated 15.  Running time 117 minutes.

My rating: 7/10

Government Defends Extortionate Train Fare Rise

Yesterday the Government backed the decision undertaken by train companies to raise the average train fare by an average of 6000%.  Rupert Clamflesh-Jones, Conservative MP for Doncaster East-West and Assistant Under-Secretary to the Assistant Under-Secretary to the Shadow-Shadow Transport Minister, said in a press conference that the move was "Good for Britain as it allows the upper-classes to spend more time in Gentlemens clubs, drinking 100 year old Port, smoking big fuck-off cigars, ogling at gyrating women in gold bikini's and laughing uproariously at the lower classes".  After an aide whispered in Mr Clamflesh-Jones' ear, he retracted the statement by mumbling something about trains, planes and 'that fat Canadian bloke'.

Rupert Clamflesh-Jones speaking yesterday.  Well, some cnut anyway.

When asked if the fare rises were justifiable considering that Britain already had the highest train fares in the World, Clamflesh-Jones replied, "We are committed to making Britain at the fore-front of everything and this is just another manifesto promise that this Government has delivered upon.  Strengthening Britains position as the pioneer of expensive public transportation services merely shows how great the Great in Great Britain really is and that's really really really great."

What we are expecting now that fares have gone up

So, that's good then.  This reporter, after buying a monthly season ticket to York from Doncaster for the princely sum of £280, can see where all that extra money is going after taking 3 and a half hours to travel the 30 miles or so.  We are obviously paying for the pleasure of standing in over-crowded, cold, windy, noisy carriages, waiting on over-crowded, cold, windy platforms for trains that turn up when they feel like it and when they do, being treated like cattle herded onto the abbatoir fast-track.  It's nice to know that all the money us commuters are paying for tickets goes towards those free meals given out in First Class, served under diamond chandeliers on Meerkat-fur carpets while us mere mortals in 'standard' class have to make do with Botulism Betty and her range of ultra-expensive 'snacks', 'sandwiches' and 'drinks' from that infernal trolley served under a flickering strip light on stained, worn-out industrial floor-covering. (*)

The 16.03 Doncaster to Mexborough

(* All fucking true, unfortunately).

Doncaster Rovers to sign Brazilian Superstar in January

Rumoured to be heading to the Keepmoat in January are legends such as Zinedine Zidane, Pele and some bloke seen kicking a ball round in the park by by assistant scout for Rovers, Sir George Lazenby.  

Sir George explains: "We have been in talks with Zidane and Pele and they are both interested in a move to Sunny Donny.  We're not too bothered they are retired as we feel they both can offer a high-level of competitiveness to a stilted Championship campaign.  Pele in particular is keen to try out his range of penile enhancement products on the local population."

Pele in particular, is keen to ply his trade in Doncaster

"John Grimes on the other hand is someone who was seen playing in Sandall Park park with his young kids and we were incredibly impressed by the way he managed to score forty-three goals against his opponents.  We immediately signed him against strong interest from some top Premiership teams.  He will be a strong asset to Doncaster Rovers' strikeforce in the crucial run-in to the season.  With that kind of attacking prowess, we feel confidant we can climb out of the bottom three in the table.  Who knows, we could still qualify for the Champions League," said Sir George with a wink.

Rovers' new defensive formation leaves a lot to be desired.

Doncaster Denies Dead Dictator is living locally

Doncaster Metropolitan Borough Council yesterday denied that the death of Kim Jong-il was an elaborate stunt and that he was now living in a small flat in Hexthorpe.  Director of Town Twinning, Andrew Twonk, described the claim as 'ludicrous' but when pressed, he admitted that 'he couldn't go into specific details about any particular case'.

Kim Jong-il seen yesterday at Doncaster Train Station

Doncaster was twinned with Pyongyang in 2008, a controversial arrangement that saw delegates from both towns visiting each other in a kind of 'pen-pal swap' scheme.  It was widely reported at the time that the North Korean contingent were singularly 'unimpressed' by the living conditions here in the borough.  They left soon after, departing with armfuls of fake designer-label jeans, a box of cheese and bean pasties from Greggs and an ominous warning that Doncaster 'would get it, right soon an' all'.

Mr Twonk also denied claims that the Town Council had bought up the worlds stock of amber resin and had extracted ancient dinosaur DNA with the sole purpose of creating a prehistoric theme park populated by genetically-enhanced 'lizards of doom'.  When pressed, he admitted that 'he couldn't go into specific details about any particular research the council may be undertaking'.

Coming to a new Doncaster theme park?

Board game review: Carcassonne

What is it?
Carcassonne is an award winning table-top board game published by Rio Grande Games where 2 to 5 players lay down square tiles to build up a large map made up of roads, rivers, walled cities and fields.  By strategic placement of pieces, or meeples as they are known, points are scored for every city, road and farm that is completed.

Carcassonne is classed as a European or German-style board game.  This type of game tends to favour themes of economy over combat and there is more emphasis on skill and strategy than luck.  Also, all the players tend to remain in the game until the very end which for a family board game, is an excellent idea. 

What's in the box?

The game consists of 72 landscape tiles each measuring 1.5 inch square, 40 meeples in various colours, a score track board and a colourful, easy-to-read instruction guide.  The rules stretch to four A4 pages of large text with lots of pictures explaining various scenarios encountered within the game.  The tiles and score track are thick-stock card that will stand up to many hours of gameplay.  The pieces, or meeples, are wooden and are of a cute style, as employed by many games of this nature.

In play

Carcassonne is a very gentle game and the rules are relatively easy.  Expect to play three or four games before the rules become second nature and strategies and tactics become apparent.  When placing tiles, the features on the tile must match up against what is already on the board.  For example, a tile with part of a walled city must match up to an existing wall, roads must attach to an existing road etc.  Meeples are placed onto the various features but not where a meeple already exists.

A city is completed when the outer wall circles the city without a break.  2 points are scored for every tile making up a town so it pays to make the largest town you can.  While a meeple can't be placed in a feature that is already occupied by another player, through judicious placing of tiles, it is possible to sneak into an existing feature and to share the points.  When a town or castle is completed, the meeple is then returned to the player and that feature can't be used again.

Roads are completed when a blocking tile such as a city wall or road junction is placed at both ends.  1 point is scored for each road tile.  When the road is completed, the meeple is returned to the player and the road can't be occupied by any player for the remainder of the game.

Cloisters are completed when they are completely surrounded by tiles.  With a point per tile, a completed cloister is worth a total of 9 points.  Again, the meeple is returned to the player.

Farms are scored differently.  By placing a meeple on a field, any *completed* cities bordering the fields are worth 3 points.  These points are only scored at the end of the game so the meeple has to remain in the field for the whole duration and they aren't returned to the player.

At the end of the game, points are scored for meeples occupying incomplete features as well.  In the case of cities, this is reduced to 1 point per tile but the other features remain the same.  The game is finished when all the landscape tiles have been used up.

The stated game time is 45 minutes but in our experience, games can last up to an hour and a half.  Maybe that's our inexperience and it will improve in time?

Strengths:

• Easy rules to understand.
• Every game is different and a completed game board looks great with very colourful and detailed artwork.
• With a limited amount of meeples, there is a decent element of strategic thinking involved.  While turning over each tile is random, placing them to best effect in conjunction with your limited resources is the skill and strategy needed.
• With all players remaining in the game until the end, it's very family friendly.
• The scoring system allows games to be close and it's hard to pick out a winner until the very end.
• Encourages simple arithmetic in younger players.
• Quality components

Weaknesses:

• The farms are quite complicated to score, especially for younger players.
• It's easy to knock the tiles therefore dislodging the whole game board.  Keep your elbows together.
• Needs a large table or plenty of floor space once the map starts to grow.
• The link to Carcassonne, the REAL walled town in France is tenuous at best.  For those expecting a little history lesson in with their gaming will be short-changed in that regard.
• Takes longer than the anticipated 45 minutes.

Conclusion

Carcassonne is a fun game for all the family to play and easy to understand.  The artwork is well done, of a high-quality and is a lovely-looking game to boot.  I would say it appeals to all age groups and anyone from the age of 7 upwards would enjoy playing.  It obviously takes a few games to understand fully the game mechanics, develop strategies and know the best options for your followers but it's all good fun.  Carcassonne is highly recommended and a good introduction to alternative board games if you've only ever experienced Scrabble or Monopoly before.

Board game review: Carcassonne Princess and the Dragon

What is it?

Carcassonne Princess and The Dragon is an expansion set for the Carcassonne board game, a clever tile-laying game where 2-5 players build up a map of roads, fields and cities by connecting tiles together to form bigger features.  By strategically placing followers, or meeples as they are known, onto these landscape features, victory points are scored.  The bigger the landscape feature, the more points are scored.

Who will enjoy this game?

Obviously, this is an expansion and as such, the original game is required before-hand.  Carcassonne, the board game in general, is very much geared towards a fun, family-orientated game and the rules are relatively easy to pick up.  Euro or German style games such as Carcassonne place the emphasis and theme towards economy and area control as opposed to combat and luck.  Players tend not to be eliminated, rather they stay in the game until the end, allowing for a high level of player interaction.  More importantly, family members aren't left out because they've been knocked out of the game early. 

What's in the box?

The Princess and The Dragon expansion contains a number of new landscape tiles with various features pertaining to the expansion on them, a wooden Princess piece, a wooden Dragon piece and an A5 double-sided sheet of rules.  As with all Rio Grande games, the components themselves are of a very high quality.  The tiles are printed on very thick card and stand up well to repeated play.  The wooden pieces are in the typical meeple style and are also thick and chunky.

How do you play it?

The Princess and The Dragon expansion adds an element of fantasy to the normally grounded-in-history Carcassonne game.  This is not a bad thing but could put off the more traditional games players.  There are several new game mechanics added to the original game with this expansion, namely the Dragon that moves around the map, removing meeples back to their respective owners and the Princess, who provides shelter from the Dragons fiery breath.

The Dragon starts the game on a volcano tile.  If another volcano tile is drawn by a player, it will immediately fly to wherever that tile is placed.  If a tile with a movement icon is drawn, the dragon will move around the board, throwing meeples back to their respective owners. 

There is a restriction on its movement however. It can only move 6 squares, horizontally or vertically only and it can't revisit a square it has already occupied on this movement.  Each square it moves, the responsibility for the move transfers to each player in turn until it can't move anymore.  Any meeples it encounters are returned to their respective owners.  Moving the dragon around is fun and calls for a little forward thinking when it comes to your turn to move it.  You can try and steer it into a cul-de-sac, away from your own players or move it towards your opposition. 

The Princess acts as a protector for a player as the Dragon can't move onto a tile occupied by the Princess.  Players can take control of the Princess at the start of their turn.  An extra point is accrued for the player who is being guarded by the Princess at the start of his or her turn.

To counter-act the effect of removing meeples from incomplete landscape features, there is also a portal tile that allows a player to place a meeple onto any previously incomplete and uninhabited feature, a significant rule change over the original game.  In addition, there are Princess tiles that allow a player to kick an opposing knight out of an incomplete city. 

Does it work?

In play, the Princess and The Dragon expansion calls for new strategical thinking and ramps up the tension, especially when the dragon is moving round the board, closing in on ones unprotected meeples.  The deliberate placing of a volcano tile near an opposing players settlement is also good fun. 

A drawback was remembering to score the extra point on each turn for possession of the Princess piece.  Trying to remember even to claim the Princess piece is a feat in itself.  While there is a small element of luck in the base Carcassonne game, especially when trying to draw just the right-shaped tile to complete a large city for example, in this expansion, if you don't draw any portal or Princess tiles, you're almost out of the running, meaning luck seems to play a bigger part than it originally does.

As with most (if not all) of the Carcassonne expansion packs, they can be combined with other expansions in the range to create one great big mega mega large game.  Just make sure you have the floor space.

Conclusion

Saying all that, it's still a fun addition to the series, my ten year old daughter in particular loves it.  The rule for the extra point seems to be one rule too far but is quite easily ignored.  It does extend the game time from 60 minutes to around 90, mainly because of the extra tiles and occasional rule lookup.  It's a worthy addition to an excellent board-game series.

Priced around £15 and published by Rio Grande Games, The Princess and The Dragon can be bought at any good board-game stockist.  The Carcassonne board game series contains elements of arithmetic, strategic and forward thinking and good old gamesmanship.