App review: Figure by Propellerheads

Propellerhead are synonymous with music-making software, Rebirth and Reason providing the core of their back catalogue for years, so it was with great interest their latest software was to be released on the iOS platform.  With only a reboot of Rebirth on the iPod / iPad, Propellerhead ditch the 'Re' naming and go with a different-yet-similar kind of app for its second release.

I'm not sure how the title 'Figure' fits in with the app.  With say, Angry Birds, you know what you're getting.  Here, I find the title to be vague and unmemorable.  Saying that, 'Reason' was always a strange choice too so at least they're consistent in that way.

Music is made by recording small loops and then re-recording over the top to give surprisingly rich layers of sound.  There are three instruments to choose from, drums, bass and lead and each can have a different sample set.  There is a nice array of customization for each instrument but little control over the actual notes played.  The pitch can be changed, as can beats to the bar and some nice effects, or tweaks, applied to each.  The usual stuff is there such as BPM, keys etc.

The interface is nice and clean.

The quality of the output is good, especially considering how easy it is to create.  The bass in particular produced some very deep, sub-bass wobbling effects that could easily fit into a Dubstep or D'n'B outfit - the drums need to be more powerful though.  The lead samples were a little same-y but by using the Tweaks tab, some variation could be experienced.  That's the key really, as an experimental dashboard for a leapfrog into something more substantial, it's really very good.  For longer pieces or even complete, structured songs, look elsewhere.

Scandalously, there is no export option nor save function of any kind.  If you've produced a nice arrangement or set of sounds, that's it, you have to remember how you got there to bring it back.  You can't put it in any other music package unless you can record direct from your iPod (or iPad).  You can't even save the arrangement.  This is the single biggest drawback and for now at least, a major flaw.  Reading online forums, it seems Propellerhead ARE going to put some kind of export in and hopefully this will be as part of a free upgrade.

Looking at Figure as a freehand musical 'doodling' tool on-the-go, it's a lot of fun, especially as it's priced in the first tier.  For 69 pence, it's a lot of bang for your buck.  It's a universal app so runs in half-mode on the iPad but even scaled up, it loses only a little of the definition thanks to its clean, intuitive interface.  I had it producing interesting beats within seconds and I'm no David Guetta (or whoever is current right now).

If Propellerheads history is anything to go by, expect to see upgrades and perhaps more sample and effect packs but don't quote me on that.  It comes recommended with that big proviso; It will create some wicked beats but don't buy expecting to use them in other software.

Movie review: Sanctum (2011)

James Cameron sure does like his water-based movies, lending his name as producer here to 2011's Sanctum.  While the Abyss is a (ho ho) water-mark for the genre and rightly billed as a classic, Titanic was over-flowing with sacchrine and has not aged particularly well.

Sanctum is much more low-key than either of those two earlier efforts (let's face it, *anything* is lower-key than Titanic) and while director Alister Grierson tries to make a decent fist of it, he can't overcome the clumsy plot, cardboard cut-out characters and lack of plausibility.

This looks more alien than it actually is.  There are no aliens in this film. Pity.

Some cave-divers get trapped in a big cave and they try to get out.  That's essentially the plot in a nutshell.  The fun is in trying to guess who's going to get boffed off next and in what particularly gruesome fashion.  Saying that, there's little gore and the films suspense comes from the claustrophobia from operating in such confined spaces.

A big plus is the cinematography which is quite wonderful and the views of the caves are majestic.  I don't care if they're CGI or not, they look fabulous and I only wish I were brave enough to see them.

Just swimming along, minding my own business ...

It all starts to fall down when we get to the plotting and characterization, both of which are over-shadowed by, and cannot hope to compete with, the cinematic vision.  Insanely stupid billionaire explorer?  Check.  Gruff, no-nonsense cave guide?  Check.  At logger-heads with his delinquent son?  Check.  Amiable side-kick who we all know is going to die at some point?  Check, it's all there.  Plotting is pushed forward by some stupidly obviously expositional beats.  Yes, yes, you're in a cave, it's dark and we all know that previously useless shark tooth torch necklace (yes, really) is going to make an appearance at *some* point.  "I'm not wearing a wet suit to keep me warm", declares the only female character, minutes before her shivering hands play a major part in the plot.

Whoops-a-daisy

Ham-fisted doesn't even begin to describe it.

As seems to be the case nowadays, the 3D has forced everything else onto the back-seat.  I can't wait for a non-3D film and we might start to enjoy some real plot and characters.  Avatar, as good as it was, was effectively an amazing-looking cartoon set against an incredibly lightweight plot.  Sanctum is no different but with much less CGI and much less believable characters.

Ah, perhaps I'm missing the point as it did extremely well at the box office and more than recouped its production cost.  On the big screen it would work much better and I could perhaps be more forgiving but not so good on the small black and white portable we have at home.  Those large holes they are diving into are a metaphorical symbol of the script they've had to work with.  Combine your viewing with some kind of drinking game based on who's going to die next, it'll be much more fun, I promise.

Rating 4/10

iPad App Review: FIFA 12

Coming from a long line of football action games (I refuse to call it Soccer, we here in Blighty know it as Football, get over it), Fifa 12 for the iPad is EA's latest instalment to hit Apple's baby.

First up, using virtual controls on a touch screen is no big deal.  It works.  Here it's particularly edifying as the pass, shoot and sprint buttons are all nicely located at the bottom right.  Sliding up on the buttons releases extra functions such as through-balls, passes into the box, that kind of thing.   Movement via the left-sided d-pad is intuitive and due to the natural position of the thumbs, it's hard to 'misplace' any of the buttons during moments of high tension.  There is an option to be able to control it via an iPod Touch as a wireless game controller - a neat idea but I haven't been able to test that.  Buy me an iPod Touch and I will.

Graphics are good, for the iPad anyway.  The players are solid enough and there are plenty of animations to keep it varied.  There are a few glitches though, especially when clipping and quite often players will appear bald before their hair is magically filled in.  It only tends to happen during the replays though and doesn't detract from the overall experience.  The facial expressions are not a bad representation and there's plenty of famous players to spot.  They look a bit 'botoxed' but hey, they're probably like that in real life anyway.

I do have a problem with the cut scenes.  There's no option to turn these off and while they're good for a few plays, seeing the same damn player substitution animation over and over makes one want to eat one's eyes with a rusty spoon.  Surely an option to turn off these extraneous scenes wouldn't have took much?  'Animation.Play = Options.ShowCutScenes', or something.  At least they give the option of tapping the screen to skip but as there are several parts to the animation, you have to tap several times.

Sound is awful.  There's some generic indy-band music on the menus and the in-game commentary grates after only a few seconds.  Turn it off and play in silence.

Navigation through the slidey, sweepy menus is ok and grouping of menu items is logical for the most part.  It takes an age to save game progress though and happens at the most inopportune moments.  For instance, if I look at my squad formation and then quit back to the main menu without making any changes, it still saves the game.  Most annoying.  And, unless I'm missing something, it's pretty difficult to spy on other teams.  You have to go through a transfer list search to be able to see what players they have.

There are a lot of players, teams and leagues to play with, including some pretty obscure ones.  Scottish Football anyone?  The management side of things is very light when compared to some other footy sims.  Training can be scheduled, team formations decided upon, options can be set depending upon the formation, players contracts' negotiated and a few other bits but that's about it.  F12 follows the UEFA transfer windows and I found this to be the most engaging part.  Trying to buy new players, bartering for better prices and wages, selling players.  All very nice.

A BIG problem (so big it deserves capitalization), is on the humble iPad 1, there can be some massive frame-rate slowdown during play.  I find I have to keep a tight leash on what other apps are running to enable it to run at a decent rate.  It can get pretty bad too, to the point of being virtually unplayable.  Maybe it's a problem on my iPad?  I don't get the same problem on other apps and games so I guess it's not.  Even skipping the cut-scenes ends up being a long, drawn-out affair as the frame-rate drops so low, it doesn't even register screen taps.  Bah.

Like other EA sports sims, I've found Fifa 12 to very engaging and well worth the 69 pence I paid for it.  Yes, 69 measly pence.  It's a stupidly low price considering the console version is what, 40 quid?  It's got its problems sure, but when it's running at a decent lick, play is seemless and it's highly gratifying to chain together a series of moves resulting in a spectacular goal.  It's definitely challenging and the easier levels are most welcome at first.  IF it was 40 quid, I'd think it was pretty poor but that 69p price point cannot be ignored.  It's tremendous value for money for what is probably the best footie action game on the iPad.  With a little polish, it could be a real shining gem.

UPDATE: After trying Gameloft's 'free' Real Football 2012, Fifa 12 runs rings round that poor offering.  Even for free, the Gameloft effort is particularly bad.  Get this instead.

Movie review: Faster (2010)

A man is released from prison and sets out to gain revenge on the gang that murdered his brother ten years previously in a botched bank job.

Dwayne Johnson is a rare beast having made a successful transition from wrestling ring to bona fide action A-lister.  With his 'The Rock' persona, he was genuinely charismatic in the WWE ring and a firm fan favourite whether playing a heel or 'face.  As an actor, he would be the first to admit he's never going to be giving RDN or Pacino a run for their money but he is what he is - a big hulking testosterone-y mans man that can kick derriere and take names.  While not afraid to show his comedic side, including a fabulous self-parody in 'The Other Guys' starring Will Ferrell, his action credentials are undoubted even if his acting ones are lacking.  Luckily, here, he doesn't have to do much and that fits in with his character quite nicely.

With Faster, belief suspension is imperative.  Don't go in expecting a discourse on existential theory by 19th century Danish philosophers (Kierkegard was a hoot, apparently), rather if you take it as a brainless thriller, you'll be much more entertained.  A good value Billy Bob Thornton crops up in a role as a damaged detective assigned to the case as the body count racks up while Johnson despatches bad guys with ease.  Maggie Grace provides a bit of eye-candy (and nothing more) while Brit Oliver Jackson-Cohen, ex-Hollyoaks alumni, crops up as a bored millionaire-cum-assassin.  He's far too pretty and suave.  The plot, despite a few twist and turns, is largely predictable but never plodding and the pacing is just about right.

It's easy to pick holes in a film like Faster but, do you know what, I feel that's being too harsh as the film hasn't been well received by critics already.  The characters are drawn with very broad strokes and while we get a little back-story, there's not enough to make them more than 2-dimensional.  It could have been better, sure, but there's place in this world for movies of this ilk.  They are pure candy floss, providing an instant hit of sugary confection but disappearing soon afterwards.  I don't mind that at all.  It's worth a punt if you have a few beers spare, a take-out pizza on order and a large comfy sofa to sink into.  Just leave your brain at the door and you'll be fine.

My rating: 6/10.  A 4/10 if I think too much about it.

Movie Review: The Grey (2012)

Liam Neeson is a sniper hired by an oil-drilling company in the Arctic wilderness to literally keep the wolves at bay.  On a flight back to civilization, the plane carrying a load of hardened rig-workers crashes into the frozen tundra.  Neeson, along with the survivors, find themselves being hunted by a vicious pack of wolves, wanting to turn them into meatball sandwiches at the earliest opportunity.

And that's the story in a nutshell.  Of course, it's more than that as over time the characters are fleshed out (figuratively and literally) and the story progresses into a survivalist trek through stunning, Arctic scenery beset by breathtaking Winter storms.  Neeson, as ever, is good value and he's to be credited for attempting what looked like an arduous shoot at nearly 60 years of age.  Then again, his CV, particularly after his Oscar-nodded turn in Schindler's List, has been a melange of action-adventurers including the highly successful and hugely entertaining 'Taken' (2008).  He's certainly defined himself as an action star despite his advancing years.

The Grey promises much and mainly delivers.  Thrills and shocks are provided by the wolves as their pack-hunting instincts and innate intelligence allow them to pick off the luckless survivors one by one.  One memorable scene finds the protagonists shining their flame torches out into the darkness and seeing reflected back numerous malevolently hungry eyes.  Gulp.  The supporting characters are given enough time to grow and while they tend to fall into stereotypical cliches, there's enough back story to each so we care when they're inevitably bumped off.

It comes across as the bastard child of a sub-zeroed Jaws (1975) 'twixt Southern Comfort (1980), which is no bad comparison as both of those films are superlative in the genre.  I could name any number of other films where the boundaries cross but that's doing The Grey an injustice.  It's genuinely tense, has action in spades and leaves a lasting impression.  The cast do well but it's Neesons film and he's quite superb.  Saying that, even he plays second fiddle to some incredible cinematography.  The Arctic wilderness has never looked so harsh, foreboding or beautiful.

On a side note, the CGI for the wolves is quite atrocious in places.  Being shot in genuine minus-40 weather, they didn't scrimp on the location so why on the animal training?  Doesn't make sense.  It's not enough to detract a whole point from my final score.  Perhaps they blew the CGI budget on the frightfully realistic plane crash?  That was well scary.

Overall, it's a decent enough film with realistic characters, well-placed story beats and plenty of blood-covered snow to keep the gorists happy.  It's a shame the wolf effects were so naff and I sincerely hope it doesn't do for these wonderful, majestic animals what Jaws did for sharks.  Oh, and wait until ALL the credits have rolled or you'll miss a bit (like we did).

Rated 15.  Running time 117 minutes.

My rating: 7/10

Government Defends Extortionate Train Fare Rise

Yesterday the Government backed the decision undertaken by train companies to raise the average train fare by an average of 6000%.  Rupert Clamflesh-Jones, Conservative MP for Doncaster East-West and Assistant Under-Secretary to the Assistant Under-Secretary to the Shadow-Shadow Transport Minister, said in a press conference that the move was "Good for Britain as it allows the upper-classes to spend more time in Gentlemens clubs, drinking 100 year old Port, smoking big fuck-off cigars, ogling at gyrating women in gold bikini's and laughing uproariously at the lower classes".  After an aide whispered in Mr Clamflesh-Jones' ear, he retracted the statement by mumbling something about trains, planes and 'that fat Canadian bloke'.

Rupert Clamflesh-Jones speaking yesterday.  Well, some cnut anyway.

When asked if the fare rises were justifiable considering that Britain already had the highest train fares in the World, Clamflesh-Jones replied, "We are committed to making Britain at the fore-front of everything and this is just another manifesto promise that this Government has delivered upon.  Strengthening Britains position as the pioneer of expensive public transportation services merely shows how great the Great in Great Britain really is and that's really really really great."

What we are expecting now that fares have gone up

So, that's good then.  This reporter, after buying a monthly season ticket to York from Doncaster for the princely sum of £280, can see where all that extra money is going after taking 3 and a half hours to travel the 30 miles or so.  We are obviously paying for the pleasure of standing in over-crowded, cold, windy, noisy carriages, waiting on over-crowded, cold, windy platforms for trains that turn up when they feel like it and when they do, being treated like cattle herded onto the abbatoir fast-track.  It's nice to know that all the money us commuters are paying for tickets goes towards those free meals given out in First Class, served under diamond chandeliers on Meerkat-fur carpets while us mere mortals in 'standard' class have to make do with Botulism Betty and her range of ultra-expensive 'snacks', 'sandwiches' and 'drinks' from that infernal trolley served under a flickering strip light on stained, worn-out industrial floor-covering. (*)

The 16.03 Doncaster to Mexborough

(* All fucking true, unfortunately).

Doncaster Rovers to sign Brazilian Superstar in January

Rumoured to be heading to the Keepmoat in January are legends such as Zinedine Zidane, Pele and some bloke seen kicking a ball round in the park by by assistant scout for Rovers, Sir George Lazenby.  

Sir George explains: "We have been in talks with Zidane and Pele and they are both interested in a move to Sunny Donny.  We're not too bothered they are retired as we feel they both can offer a high-level of competitiveness to a stilted Championship campaign.  Pele in particular is keen to try out his range of penile enhancement products on the local population."

Pele in particular, is keen to ply his trade in Doncaster

"John Grimes on the other hand is someone who was seen playing in Sandall Park park with his young kids and we were incredibly impressed by the way he managed to score forty-three goals against his opponents.  We immediately signed him against strong interest from some top Premiership teams.  He will be a strong asset to Doncaster Rovers' strikeforce in the crucial run-in to the season.  With that kind of attacking prowess, we feel confidant we can climb out of the bottom three in the table.  Who knows, we could still qualify for the Champions League," said Sir George with a wink.

Rovers' new defensive formation leaves a lot to be desired.