I'd love to be Michael Bay. Even the mundane, such as going to the toilet or washing a mouldy cup in a canal can be enhanced by the addition of slow-motion explosions, pretty women wearing lots of lip gloss and big f**k-off transforming robots. It would be like, well cool. So, this review is in the style of Michael Bay.
That brings us nicely onto Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, but which could easily be renamed as Transformers 3: More of the F**king Same Transforming Robot Sh*t As Before.
|How does he do it?|
In the pre-production meeting for T3, Michael Bay slams his fists down onto the desk and says: "F**k this, I want bigger 'bots, MORE f**king 'bots and a f**king 'bot that can eat f**king high-rise buildings. You got that you lousy f**king c*nts?"
"But Michael, the cost will be too ..."
"I'll stop you there. I don't care of the f**king cost. Get me a f**king robot that can eat buildings and I won't rip off your head and sh*t DOWN YOUR F**KING NECK".
"Yessir, Mr Bay sir."
But do you know what? That same f**king robot sh*t never seems to tire. I'm not averse to seeing lots of robots kicking each others ass or a big-ass drilling robot eating a f**king high-rise building or men flying through a city scape like f**king flying squirrels (and not even the robotic kind of flying f**king squirrels either). THAT kind of freaky f**king robot sh*t NEVER gets boring.
|THAT'S the kind of sh*t I'm talking about.|
|I f**king love this guy|
But it all amounts to nothing until along comes Optimus Prime and f**ks sh*t up big time. That's the sh*t we want to see and T3:DOM doesn't disappoint. Lots of alien robots f**king about, destroying cities, destroying each other and lots of humans in the process. F**k yeah. Now they've got big f**king flying mega-ships that can cut buildings in half. F**k yeah. And that drilling worm-bot sh*t, that's f**king well f**ked-up sh*t that. F**k yeah.
There's even the totally magnificent John Malkovich in there. He f**king rocks man. Best actor ever? F**k yeah. Even Francis Mcf**king McDormand from Fargo crops up as a big f**k-off spy boss. I've just f**king j*zzed in my pants and we haven't even got to the robots where they f**king destroy a whole city.
|All hail to the greatest living person ever.|
What can come next? "Right you f**kers, we're doing T4. I want to see an Autobot that can eat the whole f**king galaxy and sh*t out planets. I want to see it in all it's high-def glory. And Sam Wickwicky's new girlfriend? Get me Beyonce on the phone and plenty of f**king lip-gloss. Don't say no to me, I swear to f**king God almighty, you don't want to say no to me or I will f**k you up big time ..."
"Yessir Mr Bay sir."