Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Movie review: Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon

I'd love to be Michael Bay.  Even the mundane, such as going to the toilet or washing a mouldy cup in a canal can be enhanced by the addition of slow-motion explosions, pretty women wearing lots of lip gloss and big f**k-off transforming robots.  It would be like, well cool.  So, this review is in the style of Michael Bay.

That brings us nicely onto Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, but which could easily be renamed as Transformers 3: More of the F**king Same Transforming Robot Sh*t As Before.

How does he do it?

In the pre-production meeting for T3, Michael Bay slams his fists down onto the desk and says: "F**k this, I want bigger 'bots, MORE f**king 'bots and a f**king 'bot that can eat f**king high-rise buildings.  You got that you lousy f**king c*nts?"

"But Michael, the cost will be too ..."

"I'll stop you there.  I don't care of the f**king cost.  Get me a f**king robot that can eat buildings and I won't rip off your head and sh*t DOWN YOUR F**KING NECK".

"Yessir, Mr Bay sir."

But do you know what?  That same f**king robot sh*t never seems to tire.  I'm not averse to seeing lots of robots kicking each others ass or a big-ass drilling robot eating a f**king high-rise building or men flying through a city scape like f**king flying squirrels (and not even the robotic kind of flying f**king squirrels either).  THAT kind of freaky f**king robot sh*t NEVER gets boring.

THAT'S the kind of sh*t I'm talking about.
There's a plot here somewhere and is something to do with a crashed vehicle on the Moon that contains Sentinel Prime.  HE just happens to be the 'bot equivalent of Anne Robinson, a gnarly old p*ssed off mutha-f**ka who wants to save his race of diseased machines and return home to Cybertron.  In there, Sam Wickwicky and his new uber-hot perma-glossed girlfriend (Megan Fox jumped ship after the second) manage to shoe-horn themselves into the whole shebang and of course, all the old favourite auto-bots crop up to save the f**king day.

I f**king love this guy

But it all amounts to nothing until along comes Optimus Prime and f**ks sh*t up big time.  That's the sh*t we want to see and T3:DOM doesn't disappoint.  Lots of alien robots f**king about, destroying cities, destroying each other and lots of humans in the process.  F**k yeah.  Now they've got big f**king flying mega-ships that can cut buildings in half.  F**k yeah.  And that drilling worm-bot sh*t, that's f**king well f**ked-up sh*t that.  F**k yeah.

There's even the totally magnificent John Malkovich in there.  He f**king rocks man.  Best actor ever?  F**k yeah.  Even Francis Mcf**king McDormand from Fargo crops up as a big f**k-off spy boss.  I've just f**king j*zzed in my pants and we haven't even got to the robots where they f**king destroy a whole city.

All hail to the greatest living person ever.

What can come next?  "Right you f**kers, we're doing T4.  I want to see an Autobot that can eat the whole f**king galaxy and sh*t out planets.  I want to see it in all it's high-def glory.  And Sam Wickwicky's new girlfriend?  Get me Beyonce on the phone and plenty of f**king lip-gloss.  Don't say no to me, I swear to f**king God almighty, you don't want to say no to me or I will f**k you up big time ..."

"Yessir Mr Bay sir."


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