Doncaster Rovers to sign Brazilian Superstar in January

Rumoured to be heading to the Keepmoat in January are legends such as Zinedine Zidane, Pele and some bloke seen kicking a ball round in the park by by assistant scout for Rovers, Sir George Lazenby.  

Sir George explains: "We have been in talks with Zidane and Pele and they are both interested in a move to Sunny Donny.  We're not too bothered they are retired as we feel they both can offer a high-level of competitiveness to a stilted Championship campaign.  Pele in particular is keen to try out his range of penile enhancement products on the local population."

Pele in particular, is keen to ply his trade in Doncaster

"John Grimes on the other hand is someone who was seen playing in Sandall Park park with his young kids and we were incredibly impressed by the way he managed to score forty-three goals against his opponents.  We immediately signed him against strong interest from some top Premiership teams.  He will be a strong asset to Doncaster Rovers' strikeforce in the crucial run-in to the season.  With that kind of attacking prowess, we feel confidant we can climb out of the bottom three in the table.  Who knows, we could still qualify for the Champions League," said Sir George with a wink.

Rovers' new defensive formation leaves a lot to be desired.

Doncaster Denies Dead Dictator is living locally

Doncaster Metropolitan Borough Council yesterday denied that the death of Kim Jong-il was an elaborate stunt and that he was now living in a small flat in Hexthorpe.  Director of Town Twinning, Andrew Twonk, described the claim as 'ludicrous' but when pressed, he admitted that 'he couldn't go into specific details about any particular case'.

Kim Jong-il seen yesterday at Doncaster Train Station

Doncaster was twinned with Pyongyang in 2008, a controversial arrangement that saw delegates from both towns visiting each other in a kind of 'pen-pal swap' scheme.  It was widely reported at the time that the North Korean contingent were singularly 'unimpressed' by the living conditions here in the borough.  They left soon after, departing with armfuls of fake designer-label jeans, a box of cheese and bean pasties from Greggs and an ominous warning that Doncaster 'would get it, right soon an' all'.

Mr Twonk also denied claims that the Town Council had bought up the worlds stock of amber resin and had extracted ancient dinosaur DNA with the sole purpose of creating a prehistoric theme park populated by genetically-enhanced 'lizards of doom'.  When pressed, he admitted that 'he couldn't go into specific details about any particular research the council may be undertaking'.

Coming to a new Doncaster theme park?